Someday I Will Be People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive

When I was young, my parents taught me that I could do anything I put my mind to. As of today, I have resolved to become People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

The way I see it, I’m already two-thirds of the way there. I am a man, and I am alive. Those two attributes, given my age and gender identity, will remain fairly constant over the coming years. I plan on being alive for five to six more decades, and I intend on being a man the entire time.

So all that’s left, really, is “sexiest.” I think I can handle that one too. Now, I don’t think that I am currently the sexiest man alive. Bradley Cooper captured the 2011 title yesterday, and I don’t believe that I am in his league. Yet. That would be delusional, and self-awareness is a very important to winning the coveted SMA award, if 1997 and 2006 winner George Clooney is any indication. Clooney has aged gracefully. He doesn’t walk around dressing like a man in his twenties or thirties. He has dignity and poise. That’s why he was able to win the award twice, his two victories separated by a decade. Know thyself and be sexy.

Yes, I have studied what it takes. From Pierce Brosnan (2001) I learned that accents are sexy. From Ryan Reynolds (2010) I learned that a good head of hair goes a long way. From Jude Law (2004) I learned that it’s sexy to be, like, really sexy.

Confidence is sexy. Right Matthew McConaughey (2005)? If you’ve somehow got abs that somehow extend up most of your torso, show that bizarre 12-pack off! It’s sexy! Shirts are for squares. Except billowy pirate shirts. That’s right, I’m looking at Johnny Depp on this one. Depp, a two-time winner, took home his second Sexiest Man Alive trophy (there’s a trophy, I assume) in 2009 after the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie came out. Yes, two years after the movie came out, but do you think he was pulling the award down on account of The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus? NOPE. Rock that weird fluffy shirt with pride. But rock it like a pirate, not like a Yanni. There’s a reason they don’t give out the award live at the Acropolis. Yanni doesn’t have the charisma to be a swashbuckler, or a SMA. In order to achieve maximum confidence, I’m going to stop hanging out with anyone who won’t high five me on demand. I don’t need that drama in my life. From here on out, it’s all positive energy. I’m going to build my self-esteem up until I can walk down the street with no shirt and MC Hammer parachute pants.

Fitness is sexy. There’s never been a dumpy looking “Sexiest Man Alive.” Brad Pitt (2000) and Hugh Jackman (2008) were both pretty ripped when they pulled down the award. Pitt in particular earned his SMA nod a year after his turn as jacked brawler Tyler Durden in Fight Club. Maybe Jackman and Pitt don’t make quite the show of their fitness that McConaughey does, but no one would argue that they need to step up the cardio. I’m on my way there. I just joined the Planet Fitness location in my neighborhood. So I’m probably mere weeks away from a hot ripped bod. I’m going to do so many crunches. My abs are going to look like a gravel driveway. It’s going to be very, very sexy.

But it’s not all rugged good looks and swagger. A huge part of sexiness is being someone people want to spend time around. You’ve got to seem agreeable and un-diva-like. Who wouldn’t enjoy a day out on the town with Denzel Washington (1996) as a rookie cop in training or just as a pal? Wouldn’t it be great to drink some Sam Adams out on a stoop in Charlestown with Ben Affleck (2002)? Don’t you think it would be a real thrill to help Harrison Ford (1998) sort out his meds for the week? Just kidding, Harrison. You’re the prototypical Silver Fox. You’d probably be up for playing an unexpected prank, like TP-ing Tommy Lee Jones’s house or giving Mark Hamill a wedgie. Christian Bale is pretty sexy, but he’s not on the list. Why? Because he seems like a real live American Psycho. Not cool, C-Bale.  I think I’m closer to a genial Richard Gere (1999 and also 1993 as part of the “Sexiest Couple” with Cindy Crawford) than a petulant Jeremy Piven. And I’m ready to step up my polite game to prove it.

So look out, world. From this day forth, the Josh Gondelman you all know and love (well, some of you know and love me) is dead. He has been replaced by the new Future Sexiest Man Alive Josh Gondelman. A man who is more confident, athletic, and approachable than ever before. I will toil ceaselessly in pursuit of my goal. And if all that work isn’t enough, then I will run over Ryan Gosling with a car. I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to win. And what’s sexier than a winner? Nothing. TC mark

image – David Shankbone

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  • hrfe

    Ryan Gosling is the only model of “sexiest” you need.

  • hrfe

    Ryan Gosling is the only model of “sexiest” you need.

  • Anonymous

    This would definitely be the awkwardest place for me to propose to you, right?

  • I Can Smell Bull

    bull.

  • Mashka

    I’m utterly disappointed at the majority of choices for Sexiest Man Alive in the past. Seriously? First of all, all of them aside from like a Brit here or there, are Americans. That’s pulling from a very small pool in a WORLD of sexy men out there.

    Bradley Cooper was only chosen because of that stupid youtube video of him speaking French. BFD. I’m all about being multi-lingual, and I agree it’s totally sexy- but what else does he have going for him? He’s not hideous- this is true- but SEXIEST… um no. He just looks like a gross sweaty d bag that I would normally try to avoid at a club.

    Who makes these decisions. Who stood up at a big corporate meeting and said “Eureka- Bradly Cooper shall be this year’s Sexiest man Alive” and the room applauded? I’m chuckling to myself just imagining that.

    What about Putin for 2012’s SMA? Just a suggestion. 

    • Anonymous

      Agreed! All the “sexiest” men look like bland banana pudding to me. Gimme a dude with an interesting face or a scar, or gray hair — someone who looks like he’s got a story to tell. John Slattery or Peter Dinklage or Chris Meloni or Idris Elba.

      • a.

        John Slattery *swoon*

  • Mashka

     Also this obsession with Ryan Gosling reminds me of like, a guy showing up at an all girl’s school and everyone freaking out about how hot he is. Are we all so sexually repressed or are there so few attractive men out there that literally everyone is fawning over RG? He’s cute. I’d probably hang out with him. He’s not a terrible actor. I just don’t get the whole fangirl thing. Reminds me of … me when I was 10 and obsessed with Hanson. Taylor Hanson to be exact.

  • Dom

    you’ve got amazing parents

  • http://itsrainin9.com Geraldine

    “And if all that work isn’t enough, then I will run over Ryan Gosling with a car.” <- LOL 

  • Anonymous

    Jude Law is a weasel. Don’t use him as inspiration.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    Every time you write something, I just have to say “You are so adorable.”  STOP BEING SO ADORABLE!

  • Sara

    I just joined my neighborhood Planet Fitness too! Hopefully it’s the same one and I can see the Future-Sexiest-Man-Alive in action :-)

  • Sunset

    I think I love you already

  • Anonymous

    phlpn.es/7x9vmd

  • samanthaphoebe

    “My abs are going to look like a gravel driveway.” …marry me?

  • Anonymous

    phlpn.es/7x9vmd

  • Abi Burlingham

    You left something out – humour. Humour is sexy. Women love a funny man, even without a six-pack and a billowy shirt. Very funny post, full of humour (you see – you are closer to that award than you think!)

  • Cynthia Robertson

    rock it like a pirate, not like a Yanni…I’m still laughing.

  • Tonystark14.

    I am 17 right now, and it is also my dream to become the sexiest man alive. If you have anymore information on this topic, please email me. It would help me perfect my sexiest man project. Thank you.

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