My Grandmother Reviews The Movie Titanic

Oh, Joshua. I saw that movie The Titanic. They played it in the lobby of my building. I was late, because I was finishing some knitting, so the only seat available was next to that horrible man who wears the thick wool sweaters even in the summer, and I’m sure showers once a week if that. So he stinks to high heaven, and he always wants to talk about being in the war, only I’m absolutely positive he was never in the war. It’s an insult to you grandfather, God rest his soul.

The movie? What movie? Ohhhh, The Titanic. It was the one from a few years ago, about that boat. It had that handsome young man. You know the one. He was in the film about the boy who was a little…you know… slow. What do you mean I can’t say slow? That’s what he was. You know the one. He was in The Departure with Jack Whatshisname. Leonardo. Leonardo…DaVincio. He’s very handsome. I don’t much care for him.

It’s mostly a love story, which was very lovely. It was Leonardo DaVincio playing opposite the young woman from Bridget Jones, who probably should think about losing that weight if she ever wants to find a husband. But that DaVincio falls for her anyway, which I don’t believe because he is so handsome and she is so… Rubenesque. Then there’s the scene with the bosom painting, which I did not think was necessary at all. If I want to see a bosom, I would go to the doctor every nine months for my regular screening, which I do. Your mother picks me up, and usually we go out to lunch even though that seafood place on the corner has really gone downhill since the old owner, God rest his soul, passed away last year.

And all the sliding. Oy gevalt. People sliding this way and that way. It went on forever, it seemed. I know the boat sank, but so many people just sliding into the water. Enough. I don’t need to see all of that. Sliding and sliding every which way. It made me sick to my stomach. And that horrible man next to me starts to say something, and his breath is like a tuna casserole. The kind your mother used to love when she was a girl. But not while I’m watching a movie. I told that man to shut his mouth and let me enjoy the picture.

At the end, DaVincio dies in the water, which is a shame, because I think he would have been perfect for an adaptation of Revolutionary Road, which I loved as a book. And Bridget Jones throws her diamond into the water, which is so stupid. You could retire on a diamond like that. I’d love for that girlfriend of yours to have one of those for her ring finger, not that I want to interfere in your life, but I’m not getting any younger. In fact I’m getting older. And who knows how long I’ll be around. You know, before I’m dead, godforbid.

I stayed through the whole credits even though I can’t read words that small anymore. Your mother says I have cataracts, but I don’t think it’s cataracts. My eyes are just tired. And that lovely song about someone’s heart going on and on was playing. You know the one. By Selena Dion, I think. That Canadian singer who was murdered by the president of John Lennon’s fan club. Such a tragedy.

Did I like it? What’s to like? A bunch of schmucks fall off a boat. A fat, foolish woman throws a diamond into the water after the man who painted her bosoms dies. She should have stayed with her fiancé, who could have provided a very nice life for her. And the sliding. So much sliding.

But Wheel of Fortune was in repeats, so what can you do? TC mark

image – Titanic

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    Need to borrow your grandma ASAP

    • Josh Gondelman

      Go for it! She’s not super into leaving the house, though. You might have to go to Revere, MA.

      • halloween shirt girl

         revere, ma! bianchis pizza. i used to switch from the orange line to the blue line for that shit. dirty.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I fucking died laughing wow 

  • Oceankrystal713

    “At the end, DaVincio dies in the water, which is a shame, because I
    think he would have been perfect for an adaptation of Revolutionary
    Road, which I loved as a book.”

    I could not stop laughing!! So funny!

  • GUEST

    Holy shit this is unreal. Old jewish women cannot be topped

  • Kate

    LOL

  • jack

    this is my moms review of into the wild:
    jack, have you seen the movie where the boy never talks to his
    parents again and dies? please don’t do that

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

    lame and offensive

    • Lo

      Oh, fuck you.

  • Your Friend

    This is awesome.

  • http://twitter.com/YocastaArias Yocasta Arias

    “A bunch of schmucks fall off a boat. A fat, foolish woman throws a diamond into the water after the man who painted her bosoms dies.” You’re grandma just got it, I’m going to her for all future movie reviews.

  • Guest

    “He’s very handsome. I don’t much care for him.” =  “I don’t care for GOB.” = your grandmother is lucille bluth

  • Youramericanlover

    Hilarious. Loving it!

  • http://twitter.com/vickstahs Vicky Nguyen

    She should review all past and present movies–the woman knows her stuff.

  • Tiger_eye89

    This made my night. Absolutely lovely.

  • http://reversephonelookups.jimdo.com/ reverse lookup

    After examine a number of of that the blog posts in your web site now, and I truly like your
    system of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark web site checklist and
    will probably be checking again soon. Pls take a look at my website because properly and
    let me know what you think.

  • http://freereversephonelookup5492.wordpress.com/ reverse phone lookup

    Im impressed, I must say. Actually rarely should i encounter a blog thats both educative and entertaining, and
    without a doubt, youve hit the nail within the head.
    Your concept is outstanding that the thing is an issue that too few folks have been speaking intelligently about.
    I am delighted which i came across this inside my get
    a hold of something with this.

  • reverse phone

    An impressive share, I just given this onto a colleague who has been performing
    a little analysis for this. And then he in truth bought me breakfast since I stumbled upon it
    for him. smile. So let me reword that Thnx for that treat!
    On the other hand yeah Thnkx for spending any time to
    discuss this, I feel strongly about this and
    actually just like reading more about this topic. If at all
    probable, as you become expertise, could you mind updating your blog
    with increased details It is highly great for me.
    Huge thumb up with this writing!

blog comments powered by Disqus