Concluding Sentences From Several Hypothetical Undergraduate Term Papers

Education

To summarize, the children are our future. Even the dumb ones. Who are not dumb. They are just differently-futured.

From “What Education Means to Me” for Introduction to Education at Teachers College at Columbia University by Donald Martin

Women’s and Gender Studies

And we see in Othello, the sword represents a penis, which in turn represents a vagina.

From “Sometimes a Cigar is Really a Taco” written for Intro to Women’s and Gender Studies at Wellesley College by Ellen Snipe

Sociology

While human society maintains a rigid structure of parental custody, caregivers in the duck world have much more fluidity as evidenced by Huey, Dewey, and Louie living with a collection of aunts and uncles while their biological parents are never mentioned.

From “Scrooge in Charge” for Sociology of Fictional Societies at Hampshire College by Howard Morris

International and Global Studies

While the free market often leaves poorer nations at a severe disadvantage, the inequality of the fair trade system leaves unlicensed farmers in the cold. In summation, they’re screwed either way. Sorry, Uganda.

From “Why Bother?” for Introduction to Globalization at University of Chicago by Rohit Patel

Art History

The blues used during Picasso’s blue period were, because of their context, bluer than any blues ever painted with in the past. Bluer than Elijah Wood’s eyes. Bluer than the Pacific Ocean. I’m sorry. I’m crying right now.

From “So Blue, Da Ba Di, I Could Die” written for Intro to Color Theory in Art History at Sarah Lawrence College by Tania Crenshaw

English

The Crying of Lot 49 was so confusing that I punched my computer while reading the Sparknotes and had to get a new computer. Thanks for nothing, Pynchon.

From “The Crying of Mike Carvel” for 20th Century Fiction at the University of Iowa by Mike Carvel

Anthropology

Black people and white people are different. But not in a racist way. It’s just society. Does this sound racist? I’m worried this sounds racist.

From “Modern Day Tribes” for Introduction to Ethnography at Brown University by Lisa Hall

Sports Medicine

So don’t sprain your ACL. It’s bad news, bro.

From “Why Stretching is Important” written for Beginning Sports Medicine at the University of Michigan by Doug “The Murph” Murphy

Religious Studies

After all, it turns out that lots of stuff politicians tell us about Islam isn’t actually in the Koran, which can also be spelled Qur’an.

From “Jesus (and Buddha and Moses and Muhammad) are Just Alright With Me” for Intro to Comparative Religious Studies at Brandeis University by Daniel Stern (the tall Daniel Stern with curly brown hair)

Psychology

In accordance with Carl Jung’s principles of analytical psychology, the conscious and unconscious forces within the mind must be unified to achieve happiness. Therefore, to fully realize my inner peace, tonight I will run naked through the halls of my high school like I do in that dream I keep having.

From “The Jung and the Restless” by Jamal Welton for Survey of Modern Psychology at Tulane University

Film

And so, we can clearly see, Jules and Vincent in Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction are reincarnations of the souls of the samurai in Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai. Or are they?
 
Fin.

From “Stranger Than Pulp Fiction” for Comparative Film Styles at Emerson College by Stefan Orth

image – Joel Penner

More From Thought Catalog

  • Mila Jaroniec

    “The Crying of Lot 49 was so confusing that I punched my computer while reading the Sparknotes and had to get a new computer. Thanks for nothing, Pynchon.”Best. Ever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sam-Zippity-Zappity-Roberts/621794808 Sam Zippity Zappity Roberts

    teeheehee

  • ashley cattano

    I hoped that this blog post would never end. So great.

  • eh...

    i totally missed the bus on this one.

  • Amanda Meigs

    Love it. Nicely done.

  • Sarah

    “Differently-futured” reminds me too much of “differently-abled” and “minimally exceptional.” This was probably intentional, but the terms still make me want to punch everything.

    So, um, yeah, good job, I think.

  • Sophia

    I actually laughed out loud at this. So funny.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Austin.C.Hall Austin Hall

    I lost it at “The Murph”.

  • Sollux

    Yeah, that’s totally a class we’d have here at Hampshire.

    But I’m Div III, so what do I care~

  • http://www.facebook.com/tarynn.law Tarynn Law

    I just busted out laughing at work so hard. Keep in mind that I work at a library – the guy trying to work on something at the computer is probably really mad at me right now, but this was too funny to not laugh at! Loved it.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    I wish I could have written papers like these…

  • Guy

    This was awesome. I may even finish my term paper now.

  • Anonymous

    Where did you find these?? They’re awesome! I can’t believe some of the ridiculous stuff people actually bother to turn in sometimes.

    • RH

      yeah?

    • RH

      yeah?

    • kaylee

      I can’t believe some of the ridiculous stuff people actually bother to comment sometimes.

  • Robert L.

    Reading The Crying of Lot 49 sounds like a good excuse to get a new computer.

  • Brett

    I love The Murph. There is a Murph inside of all of us. 

  • Joy

    University of Chicago? Columbia? Brown? How did these people get into these schools in the first place…

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    You are the best human alive, I swear. I love you, Josh Gondelman.

  • BFang

    “The Jung and the Restless” ZING

  • http://twitter.com/KarolineZ Karoline Zacharer

    Reading this while taking a break from writing my comm thesis…I WISH I could be this funny!

  • douceur

    encore!!! in a most polite (and hopefully flattering) demanding way, i request concluding sentences from undergrad term papers from all the ivies 

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