New Celebrity Sandwiches

As far back as American Deli Culture goes, we have honored our celebrities by creating sandwiches named after them. Here are a few sandwiches for the present day! Bon appetite!

Sarah Palin: Freshly hunted deer meat and minced bear whiskers, wrapped in a photocopied transcript of the constitution with several words crossed out.

The Barack Obama: A sandwich that promises all of the ingredients you’ve been waiting for in a sandwich for years, and then when it arrives has completely different ingredients, but it’s still way better than any sandwich you’ve eaten for the last eight years.

The Paris Hilton: Sprouts, Ecstasy Pills, and Non-fat Italian Dressing.  Served on an oversized lettuce leaf instead of a bun to cut out carbs.

The Michael Cera: Peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off, served to you like that’s something an adult would want to eat at a restaurant.

The Jim Carey: Ham, well past its prime.  Served on any bread but rye.

The Charlie Sheen: Pudding and macaroni salad served in a banana skin.  This sandwich obviously has some serious problems, but no one will address them.  Everyone will just laugh that it’s still on the menu.

The Philip Seymour Hoffman: A double-decker reuben, to be eaten in a fit of rage.

The Lady Gaga: A McDonald’s hamburger smothered in glitter.

The Shia LaBeouf: A wildly arrogant roast beef club that nobody really seems to enjoy but for some reason keeps showing up on expensive menus.

The Kim Kardashian: A collection of any synthetic deli meats that the chef thinks someone might want to eat served on two enormous “organic” buns.

The Mark Zuckerberg: Pastrami on a stack of pictures of you from the last nine years.  Developed at a deli co-owned by his best friend, who is no longer an owner of that deli.  Mark does not want to talk about it.

The Katy Perry: Two plump chicken breasts with not a lot else going on.  Good for about another fifteen minutes.

The Justin Bieber: Veal Parmesan with bangs, served on CD or digitally.

The Tom Petty: A grilled chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes that makes your dad talk about how much better sandwiches used to be when he was a kid. Back before the beef was full of hormones and Autotune.

The Ryan Reynolds: Corned beef with no added flavor, listed at the top of the menu, and forced down everyone’s throat twice a year.  Not a disagreeable sandwich, just overrated, according to popular consensus. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • Woyzeck

    This is utterly brilliant. Some of these are very clever.

  • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    This rocks. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    currently craving: tom petty

  • https://unemploymentisnotsexy.wordpress.com/ TO

    about to order me up an obama..hold the mayo

  • https://unemploymentisnotsexy.wordpress.com/ TO

    about to order me up an obama..hold the mayo

  • Anonymous

    Was skeptical of the premise but you totally killed it. Nice work.

  • Lim Melanie

    You’re sandwiches will save the world.

    • Lim Melanie

      *Your

  • Eliot Rose

    Veal Parmesan with bangs FTW.

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    The Me: Two sticks of dynamite marinated in red wine and topped with bacon, garlic, a yamaka  and Viagra. Served on an Italian loaf.  

  • Damo.

    the lady gaga sounds more like a ke$ha special.

  • Nicole

    I could totally eat a Phillip Seymour Hoffman right now. 

  • Guest

    well I guess I’ve decided on having Jimmy John’s for lunch

  • jules

    I thoroughly enjoyed this. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    The Britney Spears:  Bologna and ketchup on wonder bread. 

  • Superguest

    Kudos.

  • So good

    I’m caught in a fit of helpless giggles. Thank you.

blog comments powered by Disqus