I had never been in love before I met you. That isn’t to say I didn’t want to be, that I didn’t crave love, because I did with a passion. I just have a nature that is hard to love. I am awkward and uncomfortable. When people look into my eyes it is as if they are staring into a mirror.
I make people confront parts of themselves they are not comfortable with, because everyone pretends in this life. They pretend to be confident, they pretend to love and they pretend to buy into society. So it takes bravery to look into my eyes and see utter honesty staring back, it scares a lot of people away.
You see I was born without an ego, fortunately or not, you decide. My mind was always my consciousness; there was no protective mechanism that other people instinctively have to shield themselves from this cruel world. There was no voice saying “pretend to be like that and they will love you,” “shout and they will think you’re funny.” It was a blank page. I was too raw, too honest.
When I’m hurt it shows, you see blood pouring from my heart. When I’m embarrassed it glows, my face like the sun and my eyes darting with fear. Normal people do not like that type of emotion because it’s too real, too close to home. But you are not normal, my darling.
You stared into my eyes and did not cower. You looked straight into my eyes and right into my soul too. You were brave to love me. You take this intensity and package it up and return it to me in sweet parcels of love that I can cope with. You see me and most unbelievably, you understand.
I searched and searched for understanding and never found it until you. You are a remarkable human with a beautiful soul. I feel honoured to be so close to you, yet inadequate at the same time because that’s just me.
And I want you to know with all of my heart, that I will always want you to be happy and live a life of love. Whether that is with me or not, because I know I am too much sometimes. But please, little darling, be happy. I promise I will love you anyway.