BREAKING NEWS: Netflix Changed Their Suggestions To Fit The Person You Wish You Were


Almost 24 million subscribers are currently using Netflix, one of the most successful providers of flat rate DVD-by-mail and streaming Internet media.

For me, one of the most appealing features of Netflix is the five-star rating system that can be applied to every movie, TV show, documentary, or special interest program that I’ve ever watched. The more movies I rate, the more accurately Netflix can predict how I will rate future selections. Along with the rating system, Netflix also creates browsing categories for my convenience. I appreciated the categories at first. I was as delighted as the next person to find categories for Exciting Sci-Fi & Fantasy, Witty Showbiz TV Shows, and Underdog Comedies from the 1980s. Lately, however, the categories have become a little too personal. It started with the familiar category of Suggestions For You being changed to Suggestions For The Person You Wish You Were. Apparently, Netflix believes it knows me better than I know myself.

Some of the other new categories:

1. Action & Adventure Movies Where Lots of Stuff Blows Up, Which Would Be Good For You Tonight Because You Had Another Bad Day At Work

2. Cerebral Thrillers With That Guy Who Looks A Little Like Your 7th-grade Math Teacher Mr. Dobbins If He Shaved His Moustache And Wore Nicer Shoes

3. TV Shows You Didn’t Like When They Originally Aired, But You Will Watch Now Because Watching Uninterrupted Episodes Back-to-back Somehow Improves The Show And Makes You Feel Like You’ve Beaten The System

4. Critically-acclaimed Romantic Movies To Add To Your Queue Just So Your Next Girlfriend Will See Them In There And Think You Are A Sensitive Guy

5. Foreign Thrillers We Know You Won’t Like, But You Will Watch Anyway Because You Think You Might See Nudity

6. Sci-Fi & Fantasy For Ages 11 To 12 That Is Okay For You To Enjoy Because Even Though You Are In Your Mid-thirties You Would Have Loved These Movies When You Were 11 Or 12, And Seriously It Isn’t Your Fault That Special Effects Just Weren’t As Cool Back Then

7. Emotional Dramas Featuring A Strong Female Lead That Will Make You Feel Guilty For Not Calling Your Mother This Week Like You Said You Would

8. TV Shows You Loved As A Kid That You Will Hate Now, But You Will Watch All Three Seasons Anyway Because You Are A Nostalgic Guy Who Kind Of Wishes He Still Sometimes Saw The World Through The Eyes Of An Eight-year-old

9. Comedies The Hot Receptionist At The Gym Likes, Which You Should Watch Too So You Will Have Something In Common And Finally Work Up The Nerve To Talk To Her

10. Documentaries That Will Destroy Your Faith In Humanity

11. Documentaries That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity

12. Documentaries That Won’t Do Anything To Your Faith In Humanity, But Have A Pretty Awesome Soundtrack

13. Gay & Lesbian Dramas With Attractive Women On The Cover That Will Lead You To Believe That You Might See Lots of Nudity, But Will Only Disappoint You After 90 Minutes With Lots Of Conversation And Tears, But Less Than Two Minutes Of Breasts

14. TV Shows From The 1980s That You Never Saw, But Your Friends Did Because They All Had Cable And You Only Had Seven Stations – Nine if You Count The Spanish Channel And The Channel With The Evangelists

15. Foreign Movies You Will Think Are Better Than The American Version

16. Foreign Movies You Will Think Are Worse Than The American Version

17. Movies That Won The Oscar For Best Sound Mixing, But You Wouldn’t Know That Because You Always Choose That Part Of The Award Show To Go To The Bathroom

18. Raunchy Comedies Where Unattractive Men Win The Heart Of Gorgeous Women, Leading You To Believe That You Too Can Charm Beautiful Women, Until You Get Slapped At Your Best Friend’s Fourth Of July Barbecue For Telling That Joke About The Poodle And The Two-foot Salami

19. Foreign Revenge Movies That Will Show You Disturbing Things That You Will Never Be Able To Erase From Your Brain No Matter How Much Tequila You Drink

20. Girl Power Children & Family Movies That Have A Scene Where A Character Starts A Slow Clap, Because Even Though It’s A Girl Power Movie For Children, We Know You Have A Soft Spot For Scenes Where A Character Starts A Slow Clap

21. Critically-acclaimed Visually-striking Cerebral Movies With That One Guy Who Was In That Other Thing And Shows Up In Tons Of Movies, So You Know His Face, But You Can’t Ever Remember His Name, Which Is Why You Lost The Final Round Of Trivia Night Over At Mandy’s Pub & Grill Last Monday And Then Went Home Alone

22. Quirky Romantic Comedies That Will Remind You Of Your Ex-Girlfriend In A Good Way

23. Quirky Romantic Comedies That Will Remind You Of Your Ex-Girlfriend In A Bad Way

24. Horror Movies That Might Interest You Because Even Though You Normally Don’t Like Horror Movies There Might Be Nudity In These, And It’s Friday Night, And You Don’t Have Any Plans…Again Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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