I remember every feeling I felt when my days still revolved around you. I remember how much I want to be with you all the time, every need to see you every minute of every day, even the fleeting moments of carnal bliss. Those are the moments when I felt I am reborn, moments of breathless delight, moments when all the pains of the previous failed attempts to forever are all forgotten. I felt every fibre of my being pulled into your gravity regardless if it’s wrong or right.
Somehow, those days were everything. I felt whole, complete. I was lost in the moment of you and me and in that universe we created. There is nothing but you and me and our spur of the moments. I was unconscious that as I was losing the people around me, I was also losing myself in the process.
But when I lost you, I remember how messed up I was. I felt how my heart skipped a beat because with every beat comes with so much agony, I remember how I would grip the sheets of my bed because the pain of losing you is equivocal with the pain of being hit by a hundred trains all together. I felt each cell in my body turn ice-cold and my brain couldn’t process my bodily processes anymore. I died.
But when I finally opened my eyes and realized that my life is not contingent with yours, I started the agonizing process of moving on. I threw all photos we’ve had, I deleted every single text messages we exchanged, I stopped listening to songs we used to enjoy, I cleaned my room, I started to jog in the morning and I started living like how I used to before you. It was a hard reset and it involved a lot of reuniting and catching up with things and people I lost along the way.
But in between, thoughts of you would always pop, one that would remind me of sunny afternoons at the park or at the beach; the waves crashing on the shore and the seagulls flying over the dancing blue ocean. It made me realize that no matter what I do to get over you, there’s just no way to speed time. Time has always been thought of as an enemy. At the back of my mind, I am reminded of that line on a Taylor Swift song.
And time won’t fly it’s like I’m paralyzed but it, I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it.
All these things gave me nothing but scars to display. Scars that will always remind me that there was once a time in my life that I fought and I got bruised and wounded. But I am not just a scarred person. I am a person who has overcome one of the painful moments a human being can feel. I am now one of the many brave soldiers of love; scarred by experience. I count myself as strong and courageous because I am able to handle the pain equivocal to a million speeding train crashing in on you all together. I am no longer nursing a fresh wound for it is now an almost-healed wound. And this will be my badge to show everyone how resilient and strong I was and can be. A lesson learned.
And I cling to the hope that one day, someone will love me in the exact same way I want to be loved.