I loved you. Oh God, did I ever love you.
And the worst part is that you never knew. And you will never know.
When we met, the idea of how tremendous an impact you would have never crossed my mind. You were just a friend of the girls I was friends with, and I knew they adored you. So, on that crisp October day after I nonchalantly added you on Facebook, and after you private messaged me swiftly following said request, I allowed myself to adore you. Without hesitation or a second thought.
We both knew what we were getting into. And now a year and change later, I’m sitting here writing this because we failed—the inevitable price of taking a leap of faith. It’s been a week since I came home to you sitting in my kitchen. I knew something was already up, but after I saw my spare keys off your chain and on my table, my stomach and heart sank. My apartment smelled stale.
I wish I hadn’t begged you. I wish I had perfectly re-enacted the breakup I imagined in my head (itself a huge red flag). I wanted to be graceful; you would tell me it was over and I’d nod my head and smile and tell you “OK.” But breakups and emotions are unpredictable. So I begged. Over and over. The proud lioness cried into your chest, and I felt your heavy tears land on my head.
I shut the world out that night and called in sick the next day. I promised myself that I’d allow myself to grieve and move on as quickly as I could. But that didn’t happen. I messaged you a few days ago and begged you again for a second chance. But I still haven’t heard from you.
A small candle burns bright with false hope, but I can’t keep feeding the hope that you will return. So I’m here to say: that’s it. Enough. No more.
My close friends told me from the beginning that you were never worth it, but I can’t paint you as the villain the way they do. Because you’re not the bad guy—neither of us are. We’re just two different people who want different things with an undeniable attraction to one another.
“Maybe one day,” a mutual friend said. Maybe it won’t work out now, but in the future, when we’re in better places and are better for each other. But I won’t hold my breath.
So if you’re reading this, please know that I will be OK. I hope, if our stars ever align again, that we meet in the highest of spirits and that we can hear each other laugh again, because to me, you have and always will be worth it.
Whatever “it” may be.