I once joked over dinner with my friends that dating and meeting new people would be a hell of a lot easier if we all came with little compact instruction manuals. It could tell any new and potential partner everything and anything they needed to know about us. What presents we like, our favorite restaurants, our tickle spots, any allergies, how many siblings, etc. A how to date me guide specifically tailored to me and only me.
How simple would life be if this was the case. Meet a new guy, does he like horror movies? Turn to page 67 of The John Manual and discover the answer and more under the entertainment section. Wouldn’t it be great? They could happily ready our manuals and then decide if we are worth actually dating or not. Saving us all a lot of wasted time and heart break.
I’ve decided to write my own mini manual for the poor unfortunate soul who tries to date me next. So dear unlucky next boyfriend, please progress with tender loving care, here are somethings you should probably know before you try and date me.
I Have Severe Trust Issues
Every guy I have ever dated has cheated on me. Maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s the type of asshole I’m usually attracted to, either way every single one has cheated and every single one has promised me they wouldn’t. You’re going to give me the, “I’m different,” and you’ll also give me the, “I would never do that to you,” speech. Please save your breath, I’ve heard it all before. Only time will tell if you mean it or not, but I’ll always be patiently waiting in the back of my mind for the day you’ll join the Ex’s club and I find out you’ve cheated too.
I’m Incredibly Insecure
Regardless of your opinion of me, you may think I’m funny or cute or smart, maybe even pretty on a good day. Whatever you think, I’ll always disagree. Maybe it’s because of the line of cheaters, but I’ll always put myself down, I don’t have much self confidence and yeah, maybe, after a half a bottle of wine I’ll appear to be larger than life, but deep, deep down I’m full of insecurities and I don’t like myself much at all. I hate how I look and when you stare I’ll assume I’ve something between my teeth because why else would you be looking at me?
I’ll Never Actually Believe You Like Me
You could tell me one hundred times a day, yet I’ll still doubt if you like me. I mean, why would you? My own self confidence issues will make me doubt my likeability. So be patient with me. Reassure me on how you feel and where we stand. Otherwise I’ll have myself convinced you secretly hate me.
I Will Never Initiate Sex
This one may annoy you, but trust me I’m working on it. Past relationships have been difficult for me. Especially in the bedroom area where ex’s haven’t been particularly nice. Take things slow and talk to me about what you want. I’ll want to make you happy but I’ll be awkward and feel uncomfortable making the first move. Guide me and show me what you want. Don’t expect me to read your mind. I’ll be too insecure to jump your bones. Even the times I really want to. Unless there’s a bottle of wine for courage of course.
I Will Probably Love You More Than You Will Love Me
This ones a given. When I love, I love hard. It’ll be deep and passionate and be everything you wish it could be and more. I’ve accepted I probably have a lot more feelings than the average person and they will all be about and be dedicated towards you. It’ll be almost a guarantee I’ll care about you more than you will ever be able to care about me.
I will treat you right.
I may sound scary and seem like I have a hell of a lot of issues but I will always be there for you no matter what. I know how to love someone and it’s what I do best. I’ll always be there for you no matter where and no matter when. I’ll always put your needs before my own, your happiness will make me happy and I’ll be on you’re side no matter what. I’ll be your own little cheerleader encouraging you in everything you do.
All I ask in return is you are patient with me and we can both hopefully carry my baggage together, and maybe if you know these things straight away I’ll make a lot more sense to you and things won’t be so complicated.
Now come and claim future boyfriend, I’m ready and waiting for the adventure of a life time.