I Know This Might Be Shocking, But I Hate It When Guys Go Down On Me

Joel Sossa
Joel Sossa

It’s usually by the third glass of wine that I bring up the topic of oral to my friends during our drunken chats. I like to hear their opinions and being close friends with a lesbian couple I get extra information on topics like this. “I don’t understand what your problem is.” They laugh or, “you clearly haven’t been with anyone who knows what they are doing!” Maybe they are right or maybe it’s just me, but does anyone else have an irrational fear on letting their partner go down on them?

I can’t remember when it started. I’ve never really had a dry spell and since the age of 19 I’ve had a line of serious relationships and steady sex partners so it’s hard to pin point when exactly this fear began. All I do remember is that one time when an ex started to work his way down towards the south of the boarder I tried in the most graceful manor to pull him back up north to distract him with kisses bringing him to question me, “what? Don’t you like it?” And me quickly blurting out in response “no not really?” Since that day he never once tried to navigate his way back down there and after that long term relationship ended I found myself back out on the single playing field and practically beating away men who tried to give me, “a kiss down under” to put it nicely.

So what exactly is wrong with me? And after discussing this with multiple people I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Why can’t I just sit back, relax and enjoy the experience? Why is it anytime a guy even glances in that general direction do I tense up, cringe and a shiver goes shooting through my body? Am I broken? Does anyone else react this way? Here’s all the reasons I can think of why receiving oral just makes me die of embarrassment.

I don’t want you that close.
Apart from porn I’ve never seen a vagina other than my own in real life and even at that, it’s hard to bend enough to get a good view of it. So knowing someone is close enough to lick it freaks me out. It makes me uncomfortable knowing you can look right at it and see a part of me I’ve never actually been able to look at before. What if it doesn’t look nice? You can stare at my face all you want. I know what that looks like. But my lady garden, well that’s private.

I’m worried you’ll compare it to others.
Carrying on, like I said I’ve never seen another vagina in real life before. You on the other hand I’m sure you’ve been face to face with plenty. I’m paranoid the entire time your down there you’ll be comparing it to others you’ve seen. Is it pinker? Smaller? Bigger? Look weird? Is it better than the last one? Or doesn’t it live up to the last one? I’ll never know what your thinking while staring at it and that’s seriously off putting.

I’m worried you hate doing it.
Most people claim to love it. Me on the other hand I cringe at the thought. Yeah maybe it’s personal preference but if I personally wouldn’t do it. It’s hard for me to imagine you enjoying it. I don’t want you to hate it and then secretly resent me for making you do it. Don’t say you enjoy it just to be polite. I’d rather you be honest so I don’t feel guilty.

What if it doesn’t taste nice?
The internet is constantly telling us things like alcohol and coffee effect the taste, not drinking enough water, Drinking too much water. Eating the wrong foods. It’s too much pressure. The second you start to go near my lady parts I start calculated how many coffees I’ve had that week then begin to panic it’s going to taste like a sewage system down there. Disgusting I know. So how can I relax and enjoy the pleasures in life when I’m worried you’ll be gagging because Google told me caffeine makes my vagina juices smelly. Maybe I should get off the internet.

Do I have to shave it?
I’ll be honest, shaving is nothing but effort. It’s a chore and in an ideal world every woman would ditch the razors and run around as nature intended. It takes me long enough to shave my legs in the shower never mind anything else. I’ll shave what’s necessary for hygiene reasons but if you want a full Brazilian wax porn star look, well you’re with the wrong girl my friend. My hair grows way to fast for that nonsense. Regrowth itch and razor burn are not worth the two minutes you are down there. Plus stubble regrowth isn’t cute and it isn’t sexy so unless you’ve caught me fresh out of the shower then there’s no chance in hell i am letting you go down there.

Maybe it’s my own paranoia, my own terrible insecurities and body issues, maybe I’m not the only one who thinks this way. But I just can’t seem to relax enough to ever enjoy the experience. No guy I’ve never been with has cared enough or been bothered enough to actually listen to my over active mind and reassure me I’ve nothing to worry about. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who’ll actually make me enjoy the experience. Heck, I might even love it. But until then, back away boys, because having you down between my knees is too stressful for even to think about. I’m exhausted at the thought already. TC mark

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