Falling in love the first time is throwing yourself into a giant cavern that you can’t see the bottom of.
You jump without hesitation. You have nothing to hold you down, no fears, no previous heartbreaks; you have nothing to be afraid of. Because of this, it blinds you.
Some lucky people have chosen a person who will catch them at the bottom of the cavern but most of us do not experience this. Some people have to experience blindly falling. Sometimes it’s necessary.
As you are plummeting quickly to the bottom you mistake the rush of the wind to be a secure force holding you up. You think this for a long time until you finally hit the bottom and you realize nothing was sustaining you to begin with, except your own hope. It’s a beautiful experience, but also a painful one. It is a privilege to feel that level of human vulnerability for the first time in your life. Some of us (like me) have to go through it to understand more about life and ourselves.
Before the plunge, you dip your feet into the water. Before you are waist deep, you make sure you’re still making the right decision. You’re more hesitant. You aren’t rushing in. But once you decide – or rather, once he/she convinces you, you plunge into the water until you’re completely submerged.
It’s safe, warm, and calm. You didn’t think it was possible to love again. I mean, you hoped for it, but you couldn’t imagine finding a love that was more intense than the first time you experienced it. And here is where you were wrong.
Falling in love again isn’t about better or worse. It’s about different. It’s about the kind of love you are falling into. I always thought there was only one kind. But there are many – and it’s about the kind of love you need. For some, you have to experience the first kind of love to realize what you need from the second.
You think it would be easier to just keep this person at arms length to save yourself the pain in the end. You don’t know whether you are feeling butterflies in your stomach or a gut feeling that’s telling you it’s not right. You don’t know whether you feel unsure because you aren’t happy or because you don’t want to be hurt. You don’t know whether you feel scared because you’re making a mistake or because you know you have something you don’t want to lose. You don’t know whether you are settling because it’s less intense or you never knew what love felt like in the first place.
It’s one of the most confusing feelings in the world. But deeper than all the confusion is the voice inside your head that ultimately tells you to hold on. The second time you fall in love it’s because it’s with someone who through all of the confusion somehow makes you stay. They make you hold on. They help you wait with shaking hands and a beating heart until your guard is down. They are willing to prove themselves. They are willing to fight for you in spite of not knowing, because they do.
Falling in love the first time is beautiful, reckless, and freeing. When it ends it tears you apart.
It’s the first time you understand what it means for someone to fight for you. It’s the first time you feel like you are safe placing your heart in someone else’s hands. It’s the first time you understand the gravity of that. It’s the first time you realize that you can still experience first things for the second time. It’s the first time you’ll believe in love again. It’s the first time someone will see your eyes fill with tears sharing your past and wipe them away. It’s the first time someone will look into your eyes and still think you’re beautiful despite your scarred heart.
You don’t see the world with rose-colored glasses on. Instead, you see it clearer than ever. You know who you’re with is not perfect and that they can not possibly make you a complete person. You know that you do not need them to feel whole.
Do not fear falling in love again if you have been heartbroken once. Do not fear that it will not be as amazing. It’s not supposed to be more. It’s supposed to be different. The two experiences can’t be compared. They are two completely different feelings. This should give you comfort.
The second time I fell in love, I wasn’t expecting it, but I chose it. I wasn’t sure of it, but I waited until I was. I was scared until someone took the time needed to break through the walls built around my heart.
Falling in love the first time is a deep burning red that ignites a fire in your heart that is too intense and burns out. Falling in love the second time is an electric blue that pulsates through you and warms your soul. It’s a love I’d never known and a love I now believe has the strength to never burn out.