I think that I come off rather intense. The first night we went out, you lost me in the crowd and caught me making out with a stranger. Yet, I still went home with you and we made love the morning after. After you chuckled about pulling me off another man and taking me home to make sure I was safe.
I am a mess and you saw that right away, but you still whispered sweet words into my ear. You still held me tight. You still made an effort to get to know me from the inside out.
I can admit that I come off strong, but never have I felt such intense feelings after you walked into my life. I don’t blame you for being afraid either. I don’t know how to love properly. So, when I fall for someone I tend to get a bit reckless. I scare them away with my chaos.
I wanted to love you because you touched me in ways no one else has and somehow your eyes saw through my layers. You peeled them back only to pull them back up and over my head because you were afraid of what you saw.
I am a walking disaster disguised as a woman. I’ve known this since I first started applying too much eyeliner on top on my thin eyelids at age 12, highlighting my sky-blue eyes that were misleading to who I was on the inside—a dark figure. A storm building up in the middle of summer. An unexpected earthquake in the midst of a loving family dinner.
I knew this all along and tried so hard to hide it once I saw your fear, because I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it. People don’t go searching for natural disasters. They get stuck with them and sometimes even move far away to avoid them.
But, I wanted to calm down. I wanted to be a simple drizzle, a cool breeze, maybe even a light ray of sunshine in your life. I realized that trying to do this only built up the chaos in my heart even more. I can’t be contained, which is too bad because I wanted so badly to love you in the way you wanted me to. I just don’t think that is possible for me.
I can only love chaotically. I can only love passionately, ferociously and there is always damage left behind after I do so. You knew right away. It’s why you took a few steps back.
You told me you couldn’t be in a relationship, but I knew it was just me you couldn’t be with. I know I’m too much. I know that you were scared to love me.
I get it.
But, I have found love before. I have been loved with such intensity, one that matched that of my own love for them. He met me in the middle of my chaos, and although it ended, I know that it was the most real love I’ve ever felt. I know that I can be loved, just not by someone who isn’t strong enough to do so.
I can be a disaster, a walking tornado, a fire that is unable to be put out by all the water that you can find in all of the oceans. But, I am also a silent day of writing with a cup of coffee. I’m a drowsy morning sex that lasts for hours. I’m an open-minded conversation while chain-smoking cigarettes. I’m the center of attention in the middle of a crowded dance floor. The thing is, you saw this and part of you wanted to experience me–the good parts of me. You only took what you wanted and left behind the parts that seemed like too much for you to handle at times.
But, you don’t get to choose which parts to love of someone. You don’t get to take away pieces, enjoy them, and run off with them when you feel like you can’t handle the wholeness of someone.
So, I’m taking my mess somewhere else. I’m freeing myself of the confinements you have made for me because there is someone who will see it all and want me entirely.
I know that I’m a little too crazy, but some people see that and crave the experience that is my presence, all of it. I will only give it to them if I know they are able to handle it. I will only allow those who are strong enough to ride alongside with me in life to enter my heart. I’m done trying to belittle myself. I’m done trying to act smaller than what I really am.
Love does not confine, it enhances. It makes you even greater than who you were before it.
I didn’t experience that with you, so I’m walking away and I’m taking everything with me—the chaos and the bliss, the mess and the grace, the rowdy and the still.
You don’t get to take one part of me and leave the rest behind. You get all of me or nothing at all.