I wish I could say there was a lot of good to look back on this past year, but sometimes we reach the new year and feel the lifting of a heavy burden.
Not every year brings about good change. Not every year is going to be one to remember. Not every year is full of accomplishing goals and finding yourself.
Some years are just that—a year.
Some years are meant to just to be lived through, to be lost in, to completely fall apart in until you move on to the next. Some years we have to wait patiently for it to end so we can put it past us, never to look back at it again.
All the mistakes, fuck ups, broken pieces, unwanted weight has been building up on top of you as the days drag on and you’re ready to throw it all off, leaving it behind with the single digit that’s changed on our calendars.
What we need to realize is that even though it may have felt like a wasted year, every year teaches its lesson. It’s just not always going to be in the most uplifting ways. Sometimes we don’t even notice either, because the lesson is disguised in drapes of recurring problems that just won’t disappear.
That’s how 2018 treated me. It pulled me around and dropped me a few times, only to feel as if I was lifted to the same spot I was in at the beginning of it.
I went back to an old lover, only to discover that I can never go back to him again. I quit a job I loved for a job that fell through. I hurt people that loved me and drifted from my closest friends. I wrote so much but haven’t received a cent for my efforts.
Part of me feels like nothing has changed, but another part feels like everything has changed at the same time. Because despite the back and forth this year may have taken me, it has taught me how to finally learn the lessons from these reccurring problems in my life.
No longer will I idolize past lovers and go back to them, only to be disappointed. No longer will I give up on what I know is meant for me. No longer will I let go of the friendships that mean the most to me. No longer will I define my success by money earned but by how I’ve grown as a person.
So despite the back and forth this year has taken me through, I know that no one can go a year without changing. Even if you refuse to look back at it because it causes too much pain or it just seems like wasted time, the years that have caused you to feel this way are actually the ones that change you the most.
It’s how you know that the next few years after are going to be that much better.
You have been through the worst and you have learned some hard lessons that you get to use in the year to come. You have been so stagnant in your life for the year that has passed that you are ready to finally move forward.
The broken relationships, the rejections, the losing of yourself, the failures, the days you couldn’t get out of bed—these were all preparing you for the life that is going to manifest in the year to come.
It’s time to say goodbye to 2018 and despite all that it may have taught me, I’m ready to move on to something so much better—2019.