Thought Monologue No. 2

Michael Jackson’s 82-year-old mother Katherine recently lost custody of the late pop singer’s children because of possible negligence. Insiders say the children were traumatized by repeated rounds of the “got your nose” game.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart confessed to cheating on Robert Pattinson with Snow White director Rupert Sanders. Sanders apologized, saying that he’s sorry but it was a full moon.

Bristol Palin is defending her three-year-old son, Tripp, saying that while he did say the f-word during an episode of her reality show, it wasn’t homophobic. Because they aren’t scared of any queers.

NFL player Chad Ochocinco is changing his name back to Chad Johnson because his new wife dislikes his unusual last name. “It’s too much,” said Mrs. Ochocinco-Nuevequatro.

Oprah Winfrey is being criticized for insensitive comments she made during an episode of Oprah’s Next Chapter that was taped in Mumbai. In front of a large audience, she yelled, “You get a wife! And you get a wife!”

A cyberattack on Iran’s nuclear facility is causing several workstations to spontaneously play AC/DC at maximum volume. Pentagon officials are calling the virus “Shock and Awesome.”

A new study is saying that eating cheese may be a good way to guard against diabetes. “Just look how it helped me,” wrote the paper’s author Paul A. Deen.

Mitt Romney rolled out a new campaign ad recently that has a surprising twist: it’s in Spanish. He explained the choice by saying, “how else will they understand my anti-immigration policy?”

Police are accusing a man from Florida of spending $50,000 at a strip club over a period of six hours. The man is denying the charge, saying he sure as hell isn’t from Florida.

Mitt Romney is visiting London and Jerusalem this week in an attempt to woo expats for campaign donations. Or in other words, he’s really busy outsourcing his campaign. TC Mark

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  • onyae

    Love this. haha I laughed the whole time. #1 …..that’s just scary

  • nanner

    bored.

  • Claudine

    I haven’t been very impressed with Thought Catalog in quite some time, as most posts come off like they’re all written by whiny young-20-somethings, but this… this just made me laugh. Nice piece!

    • ENDI

      They ARE written by whiny 20 somethings..

  • M.-K.

    i read this entire thing in seth meyers’ voice

    • Cami

      me too, it was perfect

  • jess

    you should work for conan, they need better 1-liners about news.

  • Mel

    More of this please!

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