7 Reasons To Stop Being The Asshole Writing In A Coffee Shop

Linh Nguyen
Linh Nguyen

1.

Sure, you have an evening job. But who are all these other people crowding up the space and hogging all the outlets? Why donโ€™t they have jobs? They certainly donโ€™t look like they work in the evenings.

2.

The coffee shops with good coffee are crowded and expensive. The coffee shops with bad coffee are empty but have bad coffee. So basically, it’s a lose lose.

3.

You will look around you and notice that there are only two people reading an actual book in the entire coffee shop. One of them is Blink by Malcolm Gladwell and as for the other, if you tilt your head, squint your eyes, and look at just the right angle you can make out the words โ€œsuccessfulโ€ and โ€œstartup.โ€ And so you are reminded that even if your novel ever does get published, no one gives a shit and reads fiction anyway.

4.

You will be repeatedly jostled with rolled mats by people who just came from the yoga studio next door and have for people who are into yoga, really have no sense of the position of their bodies in relation to your own.

5.

A homeless person with a very strong odor will eventually wander in and start asking patrons for money before being rudely asked to leave by the barista. You and your fellow coffee shop patrons will either stare at your screens or continue drafting plans in your head for obtaining more venture capital for inessential products and services. The homeless person will eventually leave but not before loudly stating that they too, are human and you will question why your own compassion for humanity has fallen to such low depths simply because your city is so filled with homeless people, all of whom have the same drives toward comfort and happiness as you do. On your walk home you will see a woman sitting on the sidewalk with a baby and panhandling and your heart will break and you will think about giving her the dollar youโ€™d meant to use in order to buy a day-old muffin but your sadness about our unwillingness to care for one another will be interrupted by a different homeless man walking toward you while screaming obscenities about anal sex and imperial government rule and you will quickly cross the street to avoid him, keeping the aforementioned dollar in your pocket.

6.

Someone will be talking loudly about their rent and you will either A) hate them because itโ€™s so cheap or B) become inflated with a sense of luck and pride at your own good fortune. If the answer is B, this sentiment will quickly deflate into feelings of guilt that not everyone can be so fortunate as you, which will then rapidly give way to anxiety and insecurity about your own possible eviction.

7.

The coffee shop with the terrible coffee you have been patronizing because the place is always empty has a sign out saying that their landlord has tripled their rent and they will be going out of business in three days. TC mark

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