8 Ways To Spend The Holidays (For Those Of Us Dying Alone)

adamkuylenstierna
adamkuylenstierna

Holiday cheer is in the air!

That is, if you’re a child or among the majority of adults enjoying the incredible level of satisfaction that can only come from a lover’s touch.

Assuming you’re not receiving the unconditional love all your friends, family and coworkers are receiving, the holidays are a time of increased misery.

So what do you do when you’re not working or sleeping this holiday season? Obviously you don’t want to go to holiday parties, since they’re just a reminder of your pathetic loneliness. And you don’t want to do holiday activities like singing carols, making gingerbread cookies or watching “Elf,” since you’ll be surrounded by couples and happiness and family members reinforcing the fact that you sleep alone in a queen-sized bed.

You’re just going to need to wait this shit out, engaging in fun, but undeniably less enjoyable activities. Here are eight ways to spend your spare time this holiday season.

1. Play tennis.

Obviously indoors, since it’s cold outside, and against a wall, since none of your friends or family will be able to break away from the loving families they’ve created through acts more passionate than you’ll ever experience. But still, it’s fun and a great workout. Not that your physical appearance matters anymore, since it’s not being touched by anyone besides yourself. But for health reasons, so you can stay alive long enough to take care of the unreasonable amount of cats you’ve accrued over the years, physical exercise is important.

2. Go to dinner and a movie.

But make sure you know it’s not a date. Yeah, you’re paying and you’ll take it back to your place after, but do not lead yourself on. You’ve had enough disappointing romantic experiences with every other person you’ve ever dated or considered dating. No need to add a completely delusional, pathetic relationship with yourself to the mix. Nothing past second base. Do not torture yourself even more than the torture that automatically comes with a lifelong seclusion.

3. Dive into a novel.

You know: A story where the protagonist is loved and is fighting for something worth fighting for. Just really get deep into a fictional world where good things happen to people with looks and personalities similar to your own.

4. Go for a swim.

Indoor swimming is an excellent workout, since it works out every muscle in your body. Sex can also work out every muscle in your body, but that’s not an option for you. So you’ll just have to burn calories in a far less enjoyable way. A way that doesn’t allow you to grow closer to another person. A way that doesn’t involve any pleasure whatsoever. Just a difficult, exhausting workout that will leave you shivering afterwards and temporarily miserable.

5. Watch television.

We are in a golden age of television. Everyone you know is too busy experiencing beautiful passion to watch all the good shows. But not you. No, you have so much goddamn free time that you can seriously watch every episode of every good show that’s ever aired.

Granted, you will see lots of happiness on the screen, undoubtedly caused by the characters enjoying fulfilling romantic lives. And that may make you jealous, which is totally understandable, since the butterflies and excitement that come from such a close relationship can’t be matched elsewhere. But you’ll also laugh, gasp, and feel everything else that people of all marital statuses feel when watching these shows. Don’t deprive yourself of that!

6. Drink alcohol.

I’m not saying get drunk every night. That’s called alcoholism. No. Just enjoy some drinks here and there. Yes, drinking alone is often correlated with being pathetic. But you know what? Screw those people who made that very true observation. Just because no other person out of literally millions of people wants to spend a few decades with you doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy an ice cold beverage from time to time. Pop a couple cold ones, feel a little frisky, and then take a long shower. A party of one is better than no party at all.

7. Hang out with a friend apart from their significant other.

Admittedly, this is going to be difficult to pull off. That’s because everyone who is romantically involved knows how drastically more enjoyable time with a significant other is than time with a platonic friend. You will be pulling them away from a bliss that can only be found in the company of two people completely infatuated with each other’s presence. But that’s fine. You need to be social. All sorts of studies show non-social people die sooner. So be selfish. Take these individuals who once were pathetically single and without purpose away from their significant others for a night. It’ll be worth it (for you).

8. Go swing dancing.

The beauty of swing dancing is that it absolutely requires another person. This means you’ll temporarily get to touch the hands of another person and be part of a team. It’s a team activity far less fulfilling or respected by society than a marriage, but it will make you feel like you contributed something to someone else via touch just for a night. The best you can get, so take it.

Really, any nonromantic activity is an option for you this holiday season. None of it will fill that void or ensure a happy, fulfilling, meaningful life, but you will be able to fill a few hours on weekday evenings and all hours of the weekend until January finally arrives.

Soon it’ll be another holiday season down, several more to go. You got this!TC mark

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