Maybe you just need a second shower or the other way around, skip shower for a day or two. Maybe you have to add another tablespoon of sugar to your coffee or try adding more creamer because you always complain about its undefined taste everytime you make your own; for 3 years now since the day you learn how to do it yourself. I mean, 3 years of blaming yourself for having a bad morning over that imperfect cup of coffee you made. Maybe you need a tattoo. Maybe you need to call your bestfriend, so the two of you will try a tattoo or just call her and talk for hours— about tattoos. Or just talk to whoever picks up the phone on a rainy Sunday afternoon because it’s been a while since the last time you talk to anyone. And maybe they need you now as much as you need them, so go ahead and communicate, ditch your artificial emotions boxed inside your phone. Maybe you have not yet captured the color of dawn before the sunrise, the smile of a father seeing his firstborn, the formation of a rainbow after the storm, the joy of a grandparent seeing all her grandchildren on a Christmas morning, the actual spread of a butterfly’s wings after metamorphosis, the hope seen on the people’s faces during the first ten seconds of the New Year. Maybe you have not tried traveling alone; being part of some sort of universally compelling marriage of your bones and the ocean, the unity of your lungs and the wind breeze atop a cliff, your eyes reciting a poem to cosmos and shooting stars are tears in response. Maybe it’s time for you to try diving or okay start with swimming or playing an instrument or weaving; pottery or tree planting or any new hobby that will divert you from doing the same thing or nothing at all. You only have one lifetime and a banquet of risks served in a long table that will keep you excited about being alive. Maybe you don’t have to treat every Monday morning as your own funeral, get up and start your day as if it’s the last day before the summer break. Maybe you have not read books in a while or you have not written anything on your journal, your planner and your pen waiting to make out and produce something potent and beautiful and immersing, so come on and write something. Maybe you have overlooked your nice eyebrows, your cute reaction when watching a horror movie, your lovely yawn after getting a complete 8-hour sleep with your messy hair and bed marks on your face. Maybe riddles are made for us to be creative in thinking about possibilities, for our brain to exercise its endless capability of solving a tricky and clever set of vocabulary words dressed as a crime scene investigation, and maybe it’s not about shattering our comprehension. Maybe exams are required to keep us in touch with our lapses and limits, to test our integrity and humility at the same time, and maybe it’s not to separate the strongest to the weakest. Maybe you don’t have to seek for answers because maybe it’s not actually about the answer, but asking the right question first. Maybe you’re missing the point of all of this, that it’s not always about trying to win the game, sometimes making it to the finish line would do, and that’s okay. You could’ve done better, I know, but that’s it for now and for as long you see a chance of making it to the top then keep on running. Maybe you’re just too sad to miss those small details about life and maybe, just maybe, you’re a little bit lost for now after you left the place you think you don’t belong. But hey listen, you belong to anywhere and to anyone, and the world is just right there— waiting for you to come back.
You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.
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