I’m Sorry I Used You, I’m Sorry I Walked Away

Noah Kalina
Noah Kalina

I know you don’t understand why I’d left and maybe you never will. I’ve thought about the things that I wanted to say to you that would at least give you a reason why it didn’t work out. Finally, now I know. Four years later. It’s too late but if you’re still there..

I’m sorry I used you. I know you might’ve thought that I used you to get the attention that I wanted.

Well, to tell you the truth, you aren’t completely wrong. A part of me found something in you that was lost, a part that I wanted back. And you were willing to give that to me. I might have lost a piece of myself but you brought out something more. You showed me strength after pain, scars after cuts, the silver lining above all else.

You were my shoulder to cry on, my friend. You filled that empty space and for that, I am thankful. But time passed by quicker than I expected. Soon, I was okay. I didn’t need to be healed. I didn’t need anyone to hold my hand. I was finally better. But you were still there every step of the way, even in times that I wanted to do things on my own.

But you were my friend so I let you stay for as long as you liked. I guess that was a selfish thing to do. I kept telling myself that I had done nothing wrong. You knew that I didn’t want to commit. By letting you stay, I had led you to believe that you had changed my mind. You wanted commitment and that was something that I just wasn’t ready to give. The night that you felt so sure of me was the night that I became unsure of us.

I’m sorry I walked away. I knew that it would hurt you but I had to do it.

You chose me because you trusted me to take care of you the way you cared for me. Somehow you were also damaged and you wanted to pick the safest possible choice. The choice that was me. But I wasn’t the person that you thought I was nor could I be the person that you wanted me to be. The longer you stayed, the more you believed that I could be the person that you’ve hoped for all this time. I might have stringed you along for so long but this is where I chose to let you go. You have been such an important person in my life. I want you to stop picking up the broken pieces that I had left, the ones I chose to forget, and the pieces that you would no longer need from your past. I don’t want you to hold on to me. I want you to let go just as I have.

I’m sorry. I’ve meant to tell you these words with every sense I have.

You have one of the kindest hearts and I won’t let you break it, not through my hands. I know that you’ve loved, and at the same time, lost even before I came into the picture. But this is why you were right for me. You knew what I was going through and you wanted to fix me. And you did. But that was just for a moment. I had to let you go and someday you will with me too. And that’s fine if it means growing alongside the people that we need in other moments and in different times. TC mark

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