Confessions Of An ‘Alpha’ Male

First of all, I am definitely not an alpha male. I don’t consider myself one, but I want to be one. I act tough and pretend like the world doesn’t bother me, but deep down, I know it kills me. Hence, I hide behind my mask.

I don’t want anyone to know I have this issue, but yet, I can’t hold it in. What makes a man? Is it when you shrug off all comments and remain indifferent, smile when people talk bad about you and pretend you don’t care, or just ignore the fact that you’re hurt, but still putting on that facade to not let people see inside of you. Is it when you remain indifferent to everything that goes around you because you’re just cool like that?

Everyone has walls, some build it higher than others, and mine is an impenetrable fortress. I hide inside it, I feel safe, which is why I choose to remain anonymous. I am surrounded by friends but I feel so alone, that is my problem. I sometimes question myself if this is so because of my walls, or is it because I am just that bad of a person and should remain alone. Friends are a strange thing, so is love. In both, you pick the people you decide to like, and then just spend time with them, and on the other end you receive a warm feeling inside, knowing that there are people who has your back, but why do I still feel so cold then?

I have been hurt. Right, this is probably what you have heard a thousand times or more. You could walk up to a girl and she will tell you, I don’t trust guys because I have been hurt. Fair enough, but have you ever known that you can be hurt so much that you become numb of the pain and you just try to hide in your own world? There are a few reasons why I hide behind a wall.

One, I have been hurt, I want to protect myself. I don’t want anyone to know how I feel, what I think, I put on a smile and I face the world. People will think I am happy, I am innocent and carefree, laid back, chill, clueless, all of these words have been used to describe me. What they don’t see is that it is all a show because, that carefree lifestyle is the thing that will protect you from being hurt. If people think you don’t care, then they can’t grasp your weakness, and they can’t attack you with it, you’re safe. The price to pay is, you’re always alone, choosing not to let people know who you truly are pushes them away, or sometimes, people just think you don’t mind so they don’t even bother asking anymore, and you get used, and you become a pushover.

Two, I have low self-esteem. It is not that I don’t want to commit, I am more than willing to commit to a relationship or a friendship, I am willing to sacrifice a lot of things for a girl or a bro, if I had one. I don’t contact people, I don’t make the first move, not because I am playing hard to get, but because I am afraid. When you get pushed around a lot, you tend to think that people don’t like you. It gets wired into your brain. Whenever I pick up that phone, I think to myself, you’re probably going to bother them, they don’t even like you, and I put the phone down again. I become the person who everyone forgets, and I get left behind, but then, what do you mean by left behind when you’re not even truly a part of the group in the first place. This all goes back to the wall I built. I keep my distance, I don’t make a move because, if you don’t make the first move, then you won’t get hurt, and you won’t stumble and fall. You are safe, but alone.

You feel that pain inside of you as you see your friends drifting away, leaving you behind. You sense the loneliness when they all hang out together, and you’re there, but not quite. They don’t care, because you don’t. You have to act like a man, shrug it off and look like you’re having the time of your life. Then comes the denial phase, when they truly leave you behind and forgets you, you tell yourself, who cares, I never truly thought of them as anything more than acquaintances anyway. You hide behind your mask so much that you are even fooling yourself now, using excuses when in truth, you see them as your best buddies, a big part of your life.

It is a double edged sword isn’t it? What is the price to pay for staying safe? What is the price to pay for being a man and an alpha male in the eyes of others? You sacrifice who you are, you sacrifice the chance of finding something true because you’re afraid.

You have a choice, continue hiding or risk that one chance to find something true? I am asking myself if it is worth it. Life is a long, hard journey to walk alone. To have a wall means to be alone. At this point, I want to break free but I am afraid. Will I fall again, or should I take a leap of faith and just take the risk? What if this time, I leap and I fly instead of falling? I’ll never know because, life is just that mysterious and unpredictable.