When you ended things, I was distraught. We hadn’t been together long or even officially, which made it worse. I was not only losing you but all the potential I thought was there. In the moment, I wrote out a text filled with big words and bigger feelings that went left unanswered. The dreaded “we’re done” text was sent to every group chat. Family and friends offered their support in the form of a reminder that this is your loss and I can do better.
It’s not your loss though, it’s mine. I wish it wasn’t, because it would be a lot easier to move on. “It’s their loss” is the cliche phrase used to comfort someone after a break up. I’ll admit that in some cases it is true, but with you, I won’t even pretend I believe this is for the best.
At the risk of sounding like a contestant on a reality dating show, the connection was instant and I felt immediately comfortable with you. There weren’t butterflies, my hands didn’t sweat, and my heart didn’t skip a beat; things with you didn’t make me nervous.
I could talk with you about anything and never feel judged. You wanted to hear my opinions and loved how I spoke my mind. We had both been deeply hurt before, and your understanding of my walls being up reassured me I could trust you.
After many failed attempts, I know exactly what I need in a partnership: chemistry, security and honesty. Without even knowing this, without even meaning to, you checked every box, and though it was not in my plan, I fell for you.
Our chemistry, sexually and mentally, was unmatched. We were constantly laughing, and you always taught me something new. You encouraged me to be more open in the bedroom, and you challenged me to want to do better in every aspect of my life.
You knew about my anxiety and did your part to quiet my irrational fears of abandonment. You let me know you were thinking about me, you included me in your life, and you made me feel like you wanted me around. The way you showed me off and the way you told others about my accomplishments made me feel like I was special to you and you wanted everyone to know it. I felt secure.
The trust was there. Even though we were not exclusive, I believed you would never purposely hurt me. From day one you were honest with your intentions and never made me feel like you were up to something. I didn’t have the desire to go looking for something to be upset about, and that was unfamiliar territory for me.
I saw you step out of your comfort zone to make me happy. I saw myself changing into someone who deserves a person like you. It had been so long since my insecurities had been silenced and I didn’t want the feeling to end.
Which is why this is my loss. Everything I mentioned above was about how you made ME feel. I don’t know how I made you feel. I don’t know what our time together meant for you. I had hoped we were on the same page, but I know now we weren’t. I know because if I made you feel the way you made me feel, there is no way you could’ve ended it.
I’ve been hurt many times, but this ending is different. I don’t remember you as a negative experience. When I think of you, it’s of all the good times. Singing in the car, cuddling in the mornings, taking silly photos, and all the moments in between. I think of you as someone who made me feel happy, protected and valued. So yes, I listen to Taylor Swift’s new album on repeat and wish I could go back to when things were good, but I don’t resent you. I can’t blame you and I won’t stop caring for you.
I just hate that I lost you.