Revealed: What Your Hook Up’s Fridge Says About Their Potential
After living the single life for over twenty years, I knew one thing: checking my date’s fridge revealed great insight into the kind of person I was going out with. So I felt it was my duty to share this revelation with the dating public.
As the world’s first RDE (that would be a Refrigerator Dating Expert), I decided to share my “gift”, not via a burning bush, or gold tablets left in upstate New York, but a new dating blog.
Check their Fridge’s premise is that for everything you need to know about your date, all you need to do is, well, check their fridge. It’s something we can all relate to. We’ve all had dates and we all have refrigerators.
For the blog, Readers submit pix of their dates’ (or own) fridges and I break down what’s in store, including the kind of odds all daters need to know…their chances of sex, marriage and if their date is a bunny-boiler.
Though we wish it otherwise, nothing is black and white. But a fridge can tell us a great deal about a person, from their health to lifestyle, income to the kind of lover they’ll be.
After only 2 months, fridge submissions have run the gamut from Straight to Gay, MILF to DILF.
Here are a few submission highlights. Take a good look at those fridges before reading my analysis and then chime in. Would you date them?
Fridge #1
Dear Stonehill,
I met this girl earlier tonight doing Jello shots and just got back to her place. She’s in the bathroom, so I took this photo of her fridge, tell me what you think ASAP!
-Adam B
Stonehill Analysis
Adam, for starters, I don’t work at two in the morning on a Tuesday, so sorry I couldn’t help you.
That said, considering you made it back to her place without having to take her on a date (and Jello shots did the trick), we’re not talking Mission Impossible here.
Looking at her Fridge Wednesday morning though, here’s what I think you have on your hands….
A troubling Trifecta.
1. She’s cheap.
Adam, look at her brands. I’m not demanding gourmet from a girl’s fridge, but Jesus Christ. Generic ketchup?? A homeless woman can do better than that. If she can’t afford Heinz, limit yourself to one case of Diet Coke.
And canned orange juice? From Texas?? Do they even have oranges there? I’m not saying she planned on taking you home, but she’s embarrassing herself.
And look what she deems leftover-able in the first place…instant Mac and Cheese. With no cover. If she can’t afford Tupperware at this point, she needs to move back in with her parents.
2. She’s loco
Did you get a whiff of all that mold and mildew on the bottom shelf? All her stale leftovers? Her fridge can’t smell much better than a dog park.
Her produce looks older than her fridge.
Bottom line, her fridge is utter chaos, just like her life. A woman who has her shit together would never let her fridge get like this.
3. She’s lacking
In self-awareness. This girl is either way heavier than she thinks she is or just won’t accept the fact that she’s no longer 8.
I mean, she’s still drinking whole milk. They invented skim, like years ago. And the huge stash of Aunt Jemima, ketchup, mac n cheese and eggs tell me she’s downing way too much calorie-heavy kid food, while delusional enough to think Diet Coke is gonna make a difference.
Jello Girl looks fun to have as a friend, but you didn’t go back to her place to play Wii and we’re here to talk dating, not friendship. Thus, I see it as a negative.
Fridge Dating Scorecard (on scale of 1 to 10)
Bang on first date: 9
Loco does equal laid. Though factoring in she’s a party girl, there’s a chance that either one of you will pass, or you’ll be so drunk, your little amigo will.
Marry: 2
First off, she’s crazy and you don’t marry crazy. (You just bang them) Second, if she’s eating like this now, imagine what she’ll look like in ten years. It’s chilling to even think about it.
Boil your Bunny: 8
You know who else had a smelly fridge? Glenn Close.
Fridge #6
Stonehill,
My neighbor asked me out, what do you think?
-Kylie
Stonehill Analysis
Kylie, for some reason, I woke up in Positive Town this morning and I’m going to stay awhile.
Here’s the goods news…you have a WIP on your hands: Work In Progress. And if there’s one thing I know about women, they looove projects. Why do I know this? Because HGTV is catnip for chicks. Women are obsessed with it and the ‘projects’ they tackle.
Yes, Chris is a human, not a house, but it’s work all the same. Lets do a walkthrough…
The guy is still drinking Red Bull and Vodka. That ship sailed years ago and he’s still clinging to the lifeboat. The Red Bull is clearly for the Vodka, because there’s absolutely nothing else in this fridge that says he gives a shit about adventure, let alone skydiving from space.
Why shouldn’t dudes be drinking Vodka? Cause it’s not a drink, it’s just a vehicle to mix with something else and get drunk. If you accept Mission Possible, get him started on drinking brown liquors, or at the very least, Gin.
Now I can’t tell what all the condiments are, but by the shape of the bottles and labels, it’s clear that he’s not buying generic. It’s also clear that he’s not a sophisticated eater, as hot sauce is as foodie as he gets.
I am glad to see that when he does cook to save a few scheckles, he’s buying a pasta sauce higher up the totem pole than Ragu. (We want a project here, not a teardown)
On a different level, his fridge reveals that he’s a bit anal. I mean, the dude saved a bottle of water with one sip left in it. Just finish it, dude, it’s one feakin’ sip. Or pour it in a plant, but refrigerating your backwash doesn’t make sense to me.
Moving to the basement, Chris has got some mystery item in the produce drawer, which leaves me sure about one thing: it’s not produce. Bottom line, there’s nothing in this fridge which tells me he’s the least bit health conscious. The only thing that resembles salad dressing is clearly cream-based. If he used that bottled water to go on hikes, he’d be buying more than 6-packs.
Lastly, his fridge tells me he’s doing okay with work. A fridge model like this is probably in a condo or an upscale rental, and his busy work schedule is backed up by the fact that he mostly does take out, or eats out altogether.
Here’s the Good news: you can buy a fixer, so there’s a lot of upside. And as women are well aware, fixer projects can be fun. (If you need an architect, I’m available 🙂
Fridge Dating Scorecard
Bang on first date: 3.5
Chris clearly doesn’t have game to close the first night. But at times, we all have to clean the pipes, and the guys that aren’t taken seriously for relationships get the spoils from women who want commitment-free sex.
Marry: 4.5
I leave this almost middle of the road, because it’s your project. And I’ve seen many women turn fixers into their dream husbands.
Sleeping with the Enemy: 3
His fridge hasn’t graduated from Middle School, and there’s no products or brands that lead me to believe he hates women. He’s clearly busy with work and stalking is extremely time-intensive.
Fridge #7
Stonehill,
I’m not shitting you, my mother is setting me up with Debbie and had her send me a pic of her fridge.
Shoot it to me straight.
-Ken
Stonehill Analysis
Ken, I usually find getting set up by one’s mother as safe as skipping in Cairo, but this might not be as painful as it looks.
I know what you’re thinking and yes, this fridge has more shit in it than any single person you’ve ever met. What it says to me is that Debbie doesn’t plan on being single for long. I don’t mean that Debbie is in the DZ (Danger Zone), it’s just clear she has maternal qualities that will translate to her dating.
Now, as we all know, there are certain chicks you bang and certain chicks you marry. Of course, we try to bang the ones we marry too, but there are ones we know will be just sex, and ones we see having girlfriend potential. Debbie is the latter.
As analyzing all this shit will take til Labor Day, here’s my Debbie Top 5…
1. Debbie is a dork.
Like Brian in the Breakfast Club, all the food groups are represented. She obviously cares about nutrition not just for her, but for those she has over to nosh.
She makes good use of her impressive Tupperware collection, but even with that armada, she can’t eat all this shit alone before it spoils. I also find with this much Organic, I’m taking a turn to Crunchy Town, but this reeks more of grandma than granola.
2. Debbie is one organized chick
I mean, if she was born 100 years ago, she might have invented the Dewey Decimal System. There’s clearly some logic going on here, and in today’s day and age, I’d assume that translates to a career in finance, law or IT. (I cut out decorating or something creative, as this fridge might be organized, but it ain’t a thing of beauty)
3. Debbie’s either an immigrant or first generation American.
Why? Cause Americans (or at least their American born parents) heard the Chiquita Banana song to never put your bananas in the refrigerator (or they spoil, blow up or some shit like that). Debbie clearly never got the memo.
4. Debbie is a homeowner.
(Or renting an upscale home directly from the owner). Her fridge is a standup model, which I’ve never seen in a rental and she obviously makes money. I give her credit that unlike many career women, she doesn’t use that as an excuse to keep a fridge-like oasis.
5. Debbie is doable.
With all that healthy eating, she’s obviously taking care of herself. Plus, it seems like she makes a ton of smoothies, which brings up a simple formula. Smoothies + Exercise = Bendoverable Body.
I have to assume the lemons, limes, bananas and jug of juice go to this cause. She doesn’t seem to be the margarita type (no lemons and lime use here), maybe a martini from time to time (further evidence she’s a lawyer) and she does have that bottle of wine hiding in the back, which lessens its importance.
In conclusion…
Debbie is not the bang and bolt type, but more like the bang and bask variety. You’ll be in for some quality home cooked meals and a woman who wants to take care of you.
Now, if she wants your Johnson, she won’t be getting there through your pants, but through your stomach. If you’re looking for a relationship, you have a strong candidate here.
Just make sure if she has nieces or nephews, she doesn’t have more than 1 pic of each magneted to her fridge front. If she does, even if she says she’s on the pill, wear a helmet ☺.
Fridge Dating Scorecard (on scale of 1 to 10)
Bang on first date: 3
She’s looking for more than just sex. Your best shot is having no shot of being her one.
Marry: 8
She’s already playing the part, and will make it easy for you to play yours. Though she might want to dive into the deep end of the baby-making pool before you’re ready to get your feet wet.
Boil your Bunny: 1
Unless she’s from a region that loves braised rabbit, then add a zero after the 1.
Fridge #9
Stonehill,
I have been out with with this girl a few times and finally managed to get a shot of her fridge. I was only able to get this shot, without her catching me. She is a MILF who is going through a divorce, the jury is still out on the level of her craziness so I am hoping you can shed some light on it for me. Should I be running yet? Thanks for the help, bro!
-Brad
Stonehill Analysis
Brad,
Right off the bat, I’m excited for you. (And your penis) If this MILF is going through a divorce, she wants nothing more than to rock your world, and further justify that whatever problems she had in her marriage, it was her husband’s fault and he was a total dick.
So don’t run yet. At least not til she bangs you so much, you can’t run, just limp.
Now lets see what else our first MILF fridge tells us…
Even if she drinks beer, there’s enough here that she clearly wants to make her guy comfy. She even bought a variety pack to cover all the bases, from lager to stout. (Smart chick 🙂 Plus, I’m making the assumption that her kids are not drinking age: if she was knocked up as a teenager, her fridge would probably be held together with duck tape.
Her fridge also tells me that she’s doing okay financially, and looking for better things from you than money. This is backed up by the fact that she’s buying only name brands: Philadelphia, Kraft, Silk and French’s are all Stonehill-approved: (though I’m a Gulden’s man myself).
One red flag is on the 3rd shelf from the bottom…is that a freakin’ wine box?? If so, that reinforces you’re in for a sprint, not a marathon. The women I know don’t drink their wine from cardboard. I mean, 2-Buck Chuck comes in a bottle. You’re clearly not dealing with a culture queen here.
Now, with a kid in the house, there’s a serious lack of quality kid food. I mean, where’s the Hawaiian Punch? The Smuckers Jelly? The Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup, the Log Cabin??? This MILF seems way uptight with her kid, which brings her up to Level 3 on the Wackpack Warning System.
This is crap news for Junior, but great news for you…uptight, conservative women are the biggest freaks in the bedroom. Scientific fact.
If you meet her kid, sneak him a box of Twinkies, and tell’m to hide it under his bed. That way, he’s on your side, and has another excuse to stay in his room and away from his mom’s door when you bang her.
So set up camp and rest well tonight soldier. You have long battles ahead. And rest you must. You and your cavalry are going to need it.
Fridge Dating Scorecard
Bang on first date: 9.9
I don’t believe in 10’s, but this is a slam dunk on a 6 foot hoop. She needs to cure I’ll-Never-Get-Laid-Again syndrome and anything short of a seizure won’t blow this one.
Marry: 0.1
The poor girl is going through a divorce, don’t even think about it. And as she’s practically thinking like a guy right now, that’s the last thing on her mind.
Sleeping with the Enemy: 3
She’s got bigger bunnies to boil, starting with her ex-husband’s.
Fridge #10
Stonehill,
Help! This is Jack’s fridge. Here’s the deal: I really like him and he makes me laugh. We sleep together, but he hardly calls and when he does, we hardly go out. I understand that he travels a ton, but I’d like to see him more. Basically I don’t know what’s going on, does his Fridge tell you anything?
xoxo
-Lindsey
Stonehill Analysis
Lindsey,
You seem like a sweetheart and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Greg is as genuine as a 3-dollar bill. He’s not traveling a ton, he just doesn’t want to see you. If he did, he’d call and take you out in public.
We’re here to find the one, so I won’t waste your time with Jack the Jerk-off, and prefer to yank the Band-Aid off quickly.
Lets dive into his fridge. This is a guy who clearly doesn’t leave home much. How do I know? Cause I travel a ton and my fridge doesn’t look like I have enough to survive when the big one hits. Nobody’s left behind this much evidence since OJ, check out the bottom…
I can’t tell you when his bushel of apples was bought, but considering they’re pristine, and without plastic, they’re fresh. His bread in the left drawer is also in good shape and a clear signal he’ll be in town awhile. Buying bread is committing to making sandwiches and/or breakfast at home.
Moving up a shelf, the guy has Tupperware. That’s a pretty domesticated dude. I don’t have Tupperware and I’m married for God’s sake. If he can put enough thought into keeping his shit fresh, he can put enough thought into dialing a freakin’ phone.
Moving up a shelf, look at those sandwiches. They’re less than a day old, and I hope one is for you. If not, he’s having company after you skedaddle. This guy is too damn healthy to down two heroes at once.
Now in defense of you short-changing yourself, I assume Jack has a hard body. There’s a serious amount healthy shit here. I never ever saw a dude with coconut water. Jamie Lee Curtis has less yogurt. The guy’s got game. Almond milk for cereal, skim milk for breakfast and coffee, I’m Impressed. For him, not your prospects.
I don’t even need to get into the bottle of wine and olives, my point is made.
Jack is clearly capable of caring about himself and his comfort, though not your feelings. Now, I’m assuming if you’re sharing your feelings with me, you are with him. (If not, we’ll talk about a good therapist)
Jack is not a bad guy if he doesn’t like you. He’s a bad guy if he’s lying to you. But you’re the one who’s truly at fault here. You dictate the relationship you want to live. If you’re giving Jack everything he needs (i.e.: a good rogering) without getting what you need in return, you’re empowering him to do so.
If you want to see him more, don’t shag him until he sees you more. If you want to be taken out, don’t shag him til he takes you out. Stop giving him what he needs without getting what you need in return. If he stops calling? F’m. Buy a Rabbit and join a tennis league.
If you value yourself less than Happy Hour at Sizzler, that’s what you get…average dudes who want all they can eat for a minimal investment.
Fridge Dating Scorecard
Bang on first date: 8
Considering the guy is probably in great shape and not worthy of being your boyfriend, this is clearly a Bang and Bolt situation.
Marry: 2
The dick won’t even take you out for dinner. Tina Turner saw more chivalry than this.
Sleeping with the Enemy: 3
The guy seems like he has far more fish to fry, but having enough shit in his fridge for a stakeout bumps him up a couple of points.