When I was little, my body was capable of anything. Whenever I needed to run, climb, dance, or flip, it did it. But as I grew up, I started to have issues with my body. Don’t we all, though? Looking in the mirror at 16 and thinking I wasn’t skinny enough was tough, but it was nothing in comparison to how this feels.
My relationship with my body changed every day. Some days I felt at home in it and loved all my flaws, while on other days I hated my forehead or my thighs. I never imagined that at 20 I would be at war with it because it had failed to do the one thing it was made to do.
I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, “What is the point of this body?” I’d lay in bed for days at a time, not moving or even turning on the TV or light. The only thing I wanted to do was leave my body. Nobody talks about miscarriages or baby loss. They talk about bouncing back after birth or embracing your new body postpartum. What about learning to love your body again after a miscarriage or stillbirth?
Losing the symptoms of pregnancy and feeling like my body was learning what had been lost was devastating. Trying to explain to myself what had happened was a never-ending cycle of me screaming to God for it not to be true. I blamed my body every day for what had happened. To be honest, even two years later, I still do some days. All I want is an answer as to why—an answer I’ll never get.
I wish I had advice or words of wisdom to give to any other woman out there that is going through this. The only thing I can say is give it time. Be easier on yourself and your body. What we have encountered is one of the most indescribable things that no mother should ever have to experience. There’s no timeline, because these losses are a part of us forever. One day they will make us into even stronger women and mothers.
My hope for all of you and myself is that one day we learn to trust our bodies again. Please know that you are never alone in any of this.