You often only get halfway through any fun anecdotes, because by then you remember that your friend was actually there when it happened.
“The cable guy is coming between 8am today and sometime next week.”
In life, annoying stuff happens that you won’t be able to control, and there’s no use stewing over something that couldn’t be avoided.
A movie that clocks in with a running time of 1 hour and 34 minutes has less than 10 seconds of dialogue from a person of color.
“How soon is too soon to start reading this again?”
We’ve missed you, Colbert.
“Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book.”
“I have plans with Rihanna this weekend. Someone owes her money.”
“Teehee. If I hold my arms out just right, it looks like I’m shooting water from my fingertips.”
He takes a break from his standard 15-minute format to give us this gem.