1. You seriously detest when everyone tries to ruin the fun of Halloween by converting everything into “Haunted” attractions. Corn mazes are great. Why whyyyyy does it have to be a Haunted corn maze??? YOU WANT TO GET LOST IN THE SPIRIT OF THE HOLIDAY, NOT CHASED BY SOME ZOMBIE-VAMPIRE-CLOWN UNTIL YOU DIE OF A HEART ATTACK.
2. You LOVE Halloween parties but always need to double check what kind of party it is. Are we gonna be having bobbing-for-apples fun? Or strobe-lights-and-Freddy-Krueger fun? Because you will MOST DEFINITELY go to one and avoid the other with the skill and finesse of…well, You when you’re bobbing for apples.
3.Your least favorite part of the glorious month of October is YouTube’s heartless decision to make every pre-video ad a trailer for all of the upcoming horror flicks. You came to YouTube for a cute clip of puppies learning to swim, and you’re leaving with Nightmares. Only Nightmares.
4. As a kid, you always wanted to be the first one outside trick-or-treating and the last one left, covering every inch of your neighborhood …However if a house looked even remotely like something creepy was going to jump out at you from a cobweb-covered bush, you were waiting by the curb. Your friends could walk up there if they wanted, but there was no way in HELL you were risking it.
5. You have a subset of cruel friends who will invite you somewhere while explicitly stating that it won’t be scary, and then surprising you (HA. HA. REALLY. FUNNY.) with a haunted house. You make sure to stay far away from these people until November 1st.
6. …And then of course, there are those friends who underestimate just HOW MUCH you hate scary. They’ll somehow convince you to try out this Haunted Hay Ride, because It’s really not that bad!! Look! A nine-year-old is going on it! Trust us!
7. …And then they spend the whole hay ride feeling horrible (and/or laughing uncontrollably) as you crawl into their lap, screaming and crying and cursing that the nine-year-old is obviously some kind of Benjamin Button, because it’s the only way that an innocent child could withstand such terror.
8.Your jack-o-lanterns are some of the most cheerful looking pumpkins on the block, just like your attitude from October 10-31. All of that sinister nonsense can find someplace else to be a spoilsport.
9. Pretty much, the scariest thing you want to encounter on Halloween is the horror of waking up the next morning and realizing that you didn’t brush your teeth before bed. OH GOD, PLEASE NO CAVITIES. PLEASE.
10. Whenever your friends are arranging the plans for Halloween night, you’re always lightly advocating for the fun, not scary option. Come on! Let’s just all get dressed up and have a good time! No need to seek out thrills that make us think we’re going to die!! :) :) :)
11. …Of course, if they still like the idea of checking out the haunted theme park, you’ll gladly transition from “lightly advocating” to “absolutely REFUSING to step foot in that cotton-candy-with-a-side-of-terror hell hole.”
12. You sometimes dream about how great it would be to work with Ellen DeGeneres, especially considering how festive she gets during the Halloween season… but know that you probably wouldn’t survive all of the scary pranks she pulls on her employees.
13. Seriously, that terrifying witch-ghost-zombie nightmare can go f*ck itself.
14. Your idea of a fun Halloween movie night consists of Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic, NOT Chucky or Halloween (more like HalloweenTOWN amiright??)
15. …Which makes organizing a movie night with your horror aficionado friends incredibly difficult. They will continually insist that a movie isn’t actually very scary, and is suspenseful more than anything, and you’ll insist that if the trailer includes creaking doors or shaky cam of any kind, it’s too scary.
16. …Basically, you’ll settle on a weird hybrid movie with the agreement that they’ll let you know when the really scary parts are coming so you can close your eyes and plug your ears.
17. Of course, you could just skip the movie night altogether, but you love Halloween too much to just SKIP a chance to celebrate with your friends. Even if it means suffering through a terrifying PG-13 horror flick.