1. “Sorry, I didn’t see your message.”
I did. I saw it, decided to think about what my response should be, and then completely forgot to actually reply. If you want to keep chatting with me, this will continue to happen for eternity.
2. “I guess you could say I’m kinda nerdy.”
I’m trying to come off as that cute, fake-glasses-wearing, #nerd persona that I actually hate, because it’s a little more universally relatable than the reality. Doctor Who is love, Doctor Who is life, I will passionately debate your choice of starter Pokémon, and will choose to spend a day inside watching The Lord of the Rings extended editions over any other activity each and every time. Also I wear glasses because my vision is horrible and I cannot legally drive without them.
3. “Netflix and chill?”
But actually. I really want to binge The West Wing but would like to enjoy it with another human.
4. “Tinder is weird.”
I’m so uncomfortable right now I could burst into flames, but this is my tiny step out of my comfort zone, so I shall stay on here until I’m not awkward and terrible at this.
5. “Yeah I like coffee.”
I’m drinking coffee right now. I will drink it twice more today and then count the hours before I can drink it again tomorrow.
6. “I graduated from UCLA.”
While this is true, please don’t ask me how to balance a checkbook or explain the stock exchange or pretty much anything adults should know.
7. “I write for the Internet.”
This is the official warning. And no, despite popular belief, I’m probably not going to write about you.
8. “I really like the outdoors and hiking, etc.”
I mean, sure. Nature is awesome, but my number one love will be my apartment and books and Netflix and soft blankets. This just sounds more impressive.
9. “Honesty is very important to me.”
While I’m not going to lie to you, I am going to censor the shit out of what I tell you. I’ll hate myself for being a hypocrite the whole time, but I’ll still do it 10/10 times.
10. “I’m a bit of a homebody.”
I have extreme social anxiety, hate pants, and work from home. Do the math.
11. “I’m horrible IRL, the only people that like me are my best friend and my dog.”
I’m gonna casually joke about my greatest insecurity, and hope it’s funny. Worst case, it scares you off and I can hang out in my self-deprecating comfort zone a little longer. But for the record, just this one time, I’m just going to throw it out there that I’m horrible sometimes and sort-of cool other times. Ask my friend, I make her laugh occasionally.
12. “Sorry, I’m not very good at this dating thing.”
I hate it. I hate all of this so much, let’s just skip to the dating-for-a-year-and-totally-comfortable-with-one-another part please.
13. “I actually can’t meet up that day, I’m busy.”
I will be the horrible flakey person that we all hate because of aforementioned social anxiety. I could be straightforward about it, but for some reason I think that posting it and sending the truth into the Internet ether is a better idea (#logic).
Also my complete lack of dating experience will psych me out of each and every meeting, perpetuating a vicious cycle of singleness.
So, Tinder matches, I’m sorry.
I’m going to post these translations on the Internet where I doubt any of you will ever see them. I could make things simpler by just saying what I actually mean, but I won’t because that would require me to be what I’m most afraid of: genuine and vulnerable. So I’ll say it here instead.