1. The Hoverer
These people insist of standing directly in front of the pick-up counter despite the fact that they ordered their drink 4.5 seconds ago. If the store isn’t crowded, fine. Hover to your heart’s content. However, if it’s even moderately busy, PLEASE leave a lovely buffer zone for everyone else to pick up their drinks.
2. The Outlet Hog
Not only do they need to charge their computer, but you know what? Their phone’s at 65%, might as well play it safe and charge that too. Oh, and actually, their external hard drive needs to be plugged in as well. All you can really do is stare with your own charger in hand and hope that there aren’t any open outlets for this person in Hell.
3. Two Chairs, One Ass
This person exists everywhere. On buses, crowded movies theaters, nightmares, you name it. Apparently their backpack has achieved personhood and deserves its very own seat, despite the fact that the coffee shop is crowded and every seat is being carefully monitored and coveted. I beg someone to just sit on this person’s backpack one of these days. Please.
4. Two Tables, One Couple
Similar to the “Two Chairs, One Ass,” these people decide that they’re important enough to occupy two neighboring tables. Everyone knows how horrible it is to be that person that approaches a half-occupied table and asks if the open chair is available. It’s massively awkward and to be avoided at all costs. So when you’re that couple that could un-awkwardly share a table? Do it so there’s a table open for other people.
5. The Conference Call
You know what’s better than the soulful stylings of Michael Bublé over the Starbucks speakers? This person’s heated phone conversation. It’s figuratively the best thing ever and doesn’t make you want to chuck your coffee at them at all.
6. Last Minute Ted
This person stands in line people watching or chatting with someone or just staring at their phone. To the innocent eye, they seem to have it together. They know what they want. You kind of envy their chill. And then it happens. They step up to the cash register and gaze at the menu for the very first time in their entire life (I assume). They’re suddenly completely overwhelmed by all their choices. WHO PUT THIS BOARD HERE? WHEN DID YOU GET SO MANY TYPES OF COFFEES?? THERE’S A HOT AND COLD OPTION??? I’M GONNA NEED A SEC. It’s really a toss up on who is going to murder them first, the barista or the person behind them in line.
7. The Zombie / Stalker
Are they staring at you or zoning out? Their eyes are fixed in your direction, so they’re either creepily interested in you or they’ve become a member of the undead population. It’s a toss up and you don’t really want to find out which they are.
8. The Other Woman
You’ve had your eye on that cute barista for ages and were mostly certain that the two of you had something special. They know your order. That your name has a silent ‘h.’ Then THIS PERSON in front of you starts chatting with the love of your life, and you discover that the barista has their order memorized too. Basically, this person depresses the shit out of you and reminds you that love is dead.
9. The Unofficial DJ
They didn’t bring their headphones, but they figure everyone’s down to jam to some Skrillex, right?
10. “Can You Watch My Stuff?”
It’s cool. I get it. They came to Starbucks alone and need to make a quick stop at the bathroom. Just make sure it’s a QUICK stop. There’s nothing worse than agreeing to watch a stranger’s things and then they take ten years to return. Are they coming back? I kind of wanted to go home…WHAT IF THEY NEVER COME BACK THIS IS SO STRESSFUL.
11. The One Who Thinks This Is Their Office
These people are always there. They order a single coffee, find prime Starbucks real estate, and transform the table into a home office. You can pretty much guarantee that they’ll occupy that table until closing. They’re probably working on a screenplay or writing a blog post or maybe working on an article… for Thought Catalog… okay this is me. I apologize.