1. When most people meet you for the first time, they have no idea how competitive you are. You’re just this cool, calm person that’s just chill. Then Pictionary comes out… your heart starts racing… and before you know it… HULK SMASH.
2. “It’s just a game” is so incredibly false, you refuse to acknowledge the phrase. NO IT’S NOT, IT’S A BATTLE OF WITS AND STRATEGY AND I MUST WIN.
3. If you lose at anything, you 100% need a rematch, or else you’ll fixate on that failure for the rest of the day.
4. If you win at anything, you’ll deny all requests for a rematch… unless you’re sure that you can win again, in which case, BRING IT.
5. Whether at work or at a bar with friends, you’re the first person to be picked for any team, because everyone knows that you will do whatever it takes to win. Oh, we need to stay late to work on this presentation to make sure it’s better than everyone else’s? I’LL BREW THE COFFEE.
6. You’re the person that gets seriously invested anytime you sit down to watch sports. For this reason, your sister has banned you from your niece’s tee-ball games until you calm down.
7. Even if you’re not really into professional sports, if you happen to watch a game, the team that you’ve arbitrarily chosen to like more MUST win.
8. You secretly race random people on the sidewalk so often, that you’re not even aware you’re doing it anymore–it’s just how you walk.
9. The high you feel when you absolutely destroy someone in any game or sport is what you imagine Jafar felt like when he finally became a genie.
10. You know all the rules to every game you play to make sure that no one tries to cheat.
11. …. But also so that you can figure out any loopholes to get ahead in the game without technically cheating.
12. The temper tantrums you used to throw when you lost as a child have matured into a nice, subtle stewing (…most of the time. You haven’t completely outgrown the occasional tantrum. But the ones you have now are totally justified.)
13. Whenever you play Apples to Apples, you’re not afraid to argue why your card is the best choice like an attorney in a murder trial. OBJECTION. THE GRAND CANYON IS THE DEFINITION OF MAGESTIC. HOW DARE YOU CAST THAT CARD ASIDE? I DEMAND AN APPEAL.
14. And those people that like to choose the “funny” card over the obviously correct card are monsters that deserve coal on all major holidays.
15. If your skill set doesn’t match up with the game that everyone wants to play, you just sit it out, because it’s better for everyone that you don’t morph into Mr. Hyde as soon as you lose.
16. Your acting skills become Oscar-worthy whenever you’re stuck on a team with a bunch of children who are just there to learn good sportsmanship.
Outer You: Oh well hahaha it’s just a game, right?
Inner You: I’M ONE YAHTZEE AWAY FROM MURDERING YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, TINY TIM. GET IT TOGETHER.
17. You have to be on the same team as any other fellow competitive types, otherwise World War III is bound to break out. Basically, losing Monopoly = Franz Ferdinand’s assassination.
18. You have to warn any dates you bring to family get-togethers that they’re about to see a whole new side of you, because the only people that are more competitive than you are your siblings and parents. As a result, you can’t afford to be off your A-game, and be the “funny” or “charming” date that you usually are on any other day.
19. Then, as soon as a “fun, family-friendly” game appears, a serious calm settles over the room, as each of your family members settles in for an intense battle of Cranium.
Blood will be shed. Alliances will be broken. Cranium is coming. And when you play the Game of Games, you win or you die.