1. Whenever new technology comes out, your first reaction is “What was wrong with the old stuff?” which is quickly followed by, “how in the gosh dang h-e-double-hockey-sticks am I supposed to use this?”
2. Your friends always need to explain the newest slang, because honestly, when did “on fleek” become a thing, and what was wrong with “the bee’s knees”?
3. Casual dating is your worst nightmare. What happened to the good old days of mild flirting and then going steady? What’s all of this “talking” nonsense?
4. Whenever you see people (who are probably your age) doing anything remotely foolish, you just shake your head and lament, “youths.”
5. Moderately loud music actively infuriates you.
6. You often find yourself reminiscing on “the good old days,” even though “the good old days” were when Bop It Extreme was the hot toy and there were only two Fast and the Furious movies.
7. In your spare time, you’re more likely to listen to Motown than anything on the Billboard Top 100.
8. The idea of going out on a Friday night sounds much less appealing than a quiet night in with a movie and your knitting.
9. Antiques Roadshow is your jam.
10. You love to spend a morning sitting in a Denny’s drinking black coffee way more than you probably should.
11. A heavy night of drinking for you is a glass of wine with dinner and another during your after dinner TV time.
12. You’ve caught yourself getting unreasonably riled up over a Judge Judy case.
13. When people ask about your celebrity crushes, your list consists of Cary Grant, Sidney Poitier, Katharine Hepburn, and Julie Andrews.
14. You’ve looked into the cost of installing a stair chair lift, because your knees just don’t move like they used to.
15. You feel like your day is infinitely better when you start the day off with the New York Times crossword.
16. And then get very peeved if the Monday puzzle clearly has the difficulty level of a Wednesday.
17. Whenever you hear a ruckus in the hallway outside your door, you want to run out and yell at them to stay off your lawn! Except it’s an apartment complex, so it would be more of a “Stay off my welcome mat!”
18. You’re very aware of your health, and assume anything abnormal is a result of aging. The Olive Garden you’re sitting in feels chillier than usual? It’s probably because your body can’t regulate its temperature as well anymore.
19. You’ve recently considered switching from coffee to tea because a sip of coffee in the morning will keep you awake way past your bedtime.
20. Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune are not idle interests to you, and you have to warn anyone watching with you that things could get a little dicey if the contestants are incompetent.
21. You’re the only one of your friends who isn’t scared of aging, because you’ve been eighty-five since you were ten, so really, this is your destiny.