1. Just the idea of shopping fills you with dread, so you’ll put it off for as long as humanly possible. Your pants ripped? You can probably patch that and wait another two months before actually needing to replace them.
2. If you can complete all of your shopping online, you will opt for that eleven times out of ten.
3. Sites that have free return shipping are nothing short of divine miracles. So I can order something, try it on in the comfort of my own home, and then return it if it doesn’t fit, at no extra cost?? IS THIS LOVE THAT I FEEL??
4. Then, once you actually have to go shopping, you have a huge list of items that need to be replaced, because that’s what happens when you wait until all of your clothes are threadbare and torn.
5. You plan on leaving at the crack of dawn on the day of your dreaded shopping trip, so that you can avoid all of the crowds.
6. But then you drag your feet in the morning, because this is probably one of the worst chores imaginable.
7. As soon as you leave your place and get over the dread, you get a tiny bit excited, because by the end of the day, you’ll have a bunch of new things, and that’s always nice!
8. But then you arrive to the mall, and see the sea of torture that awaits you and all excitement quickly disappears.
9. You hate the person you turn into when you’re shopping. Normally, you’re a very nice, personable human being, but as soon as you enter a shopping center, you see every person as a demon that’s out to get you by bumping into you and hovering right over you while you thumb through a rack and you’re transformed into a bitter troll who’s two Cinnabons away from eating their entire family.
10. You make sure you don’t ever go shopping with someone who actually enjoys it, because you know you’ll be stuck walking into every. single. store. in. existence. And the person you went shopping with at the beginning of the day might have been your best friend, but they definitely aren’t by the end of the day.
11. Ideally, when you go to a store, you would take one long trip through all the necessary racks, gathering all the clothes you want to try on, and then you would try all the clothes on in one trip to the fitting room.
12. Which makes the fitting room rule of “Six items max” your worst nightmare, because it requires that you takes multiple trips back, and will lengthen the duration of your trip exponentially.
13. The thought of taking off your shoes and coming in contact with the fitting room floor to try on pants is disgusting, so you try and maneuver so that you’re always balancing one foot on a shoe while the other is getting into the new pants. You’re like a circus performer who’s doomed to fail.
14. Once you’ve purchased one thing on your list, you have to carry that bag around with you for the rest of the day, because you know that if you take it back to the car, you’ll just get in the car and drive away, the rest of your shopping list be damned.
15. So instead you end up lugging around that stupid bag while trying to sort through other clothing racks, and hate everything about this process a little more.
16. After trying on what seems like an obscene number of clothes, you start to forget which items you liked, and which one’s you were unsure of, and you feel like you’re slowly losing your mind. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, SOMEONE GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
17. And then the unimaginable happens. You’re done. The smoke clears, and you can feel the day’s burden lift from your shoulders. There’s no better feeling in the world than knowing you won’t have to go shopping for another year.