1. Leave Society
You’ve felt the façade cracking for days. You can’t keep your cool the way you used to be able to. You watched The Muppets the other day and started getting teary-eyed, all because you were so happy for Jason Segel’s success! It’s unacceptable! So you lock yourself away, until this phase passes.
2. Stop Talking To Everyone
You turn all communication devices off. Your phone is tucked away in a drawer, Skype is temporarily deleted from your computer, and you’ve nailed the mail slot on your door shut. You feel like Vernon Dursley when he tried to keep Harry from Hogwarts. You probably even wait to perform this emotion-expressing ritual until Sunday, so there’s absolutely no chance of a mail carrier walking by.
3. Create A Crying Nook
Gather up all the pillows and blankets! And tissues! (And a trash bin, you’re not a monster). Grab everything you could possibly need! You’re Noah, and this nook is your ark! It’ll help carry you through this legendary flood of tears that’s approaching.
4. Drink Alcoholic Beverages
If you’re going to be cliché and “cry,” then you might as well go the whole nine yards. You’ve stocked up on extra wine and other spirits of your choosing in preparation for this night. So drink up! Drown your sorrows! (Responsibly, of course).
5. Listen To Sad Music
Turn on every song that makes you feel feelings! If you’re in a hurry, you can even try playing them all at once, that might work, you never know. Listen to you and your ex’s “song”! Sure, you broke up three years ago, but who cares! Listen to it!
6. Watch A Sad Movie
Now that you’re all prepped for feeling emotions, watch that movie that makes you cry! The Green Mile! The Iron Giant! The first ten minutes of Up!
The dam’s been broken. Damn that Toy Story 3 ending! The tears keep flowing, and all the emotions you’ve kept bottled up for the past few months are washing over you like an unending spin cycle. I miss my ex! I’m going to die alone! Why is there so much pain in the world? Why did my pet hamster have to die so young all those years ago? Everything huuurts.
8. Stop Crying
Did you hear something? The tears come to a screeching halt. Is there someone at the door? Is my roommate back early from their trip?
9. Cry Some More
No one was at the door. And of course not! You’re all alone! You keep crying, huddled up in your crying nook, gripping your pillow for dear life, as emotions wrack your entire being.
10. Fall Asleep
You forgot how exhausting a good cry can be, and at some point during your hysterical sobbing, you fall into a deep, deep sleep.
11. Wake Up Nice And Refreshed
The next morning you wake up and survey the wreckage. It’s not a pretty sight, but you feel better. Sooo much better. You clean up, and know with certainty that you’ve got those pesky ~emotions~ in check for at least a few more months.