1. The Best Time For Sex:
At The Beginning: ALL THE TIME!
After Two Years: ALL THE TIME! But after this episode of Better Call Saul.
At The Beginning: Lights off. Just… let’s keep those off.
After Two Years: Lights on, lights off, whatever setting the light is already on is fine, tbh.
At The Beginning: Are you cool with this tho? How about now? Is this something you would be into?
After Two Years: Did you shut the bedroom door before the cat got in?
4. Setting The Mood:
At The Beginning: You must pick the perfect song, and construct a Spotify playlist that is so perfect that even Kanye doesn’t feel the need to interrupt you.
After Two Years: Sweet, sweet lovin’ accompanied by the soulful sounds of Ellen reruns.
5. Sexual Fantasies:
At The Beginning: You’re really nervous to ask them, because what if they think it’s really weird and never want to talk to you again???
After Two Years: You both know all about each other’s fantasies, and you’ve either done them, or completely taken them off the table, never to be spoken of again.
6. Dealing With Insecurities:
At The Beginning: You’re constantly worrying about how you look at any given moment. Do I really want them to see me from this angle yet? Those first impressions mean a lot.
After Two Years: They’ve seen you from every angle, so it’s chill.
At The Beginning: The only hair that shall be on my body will be on my scalp and select areas of my eyebrows.
After Two Years: It’s about 80% up to par, which is fine.
8. Upon an unscheduled appearance of Whiskey Dick:
At The Beginning: Ahhh this is embarrassing, it’s really not a big deal…it’s not a common thing… I’m so sorry…
After Two Years: Better luck next time, eh?
9. The Actual Sex:
At The Beginning: Everything’s new and exciting!
After Two Years: Everything’s definitely not new, but still pretty exciting!
10. Spooning After:
At The Beginning: Aww you’re pretty great, yeah let’s cuddle for a bit and just soak in each other’s presence.
After Two Years: K, can you roll away, please? You’re too hot, and I wanna sleep.
11. Post-Sex Ponderings:
At The Beginning: Soooo what are we exactly?
After Two Years: Yeah, we know exactly where we’re at. Sex while in a meaningful relationship is the best.