1. Download Tinder.
2. Peruse Playboy’s collection of articles. But just the articles, obviously. Nothing else.
3. Mentally murder all your friends who complain that their bf/gf is out of town, and they haven’t gotten laid in like a week.
4. Deep clean your apartment, like bleaching counters, scrubbing floors, everything. If your sex life can’t be dirty, then nothing will be dirty!
5. Go out, and then get massive anxiety because there’s so much riding on everything you say and you don’t want to mess this up and what if you scare them off and then you have to go home alone…
6. You mess it up.
7. Re-watch The 40-Year-Old Virgin and start freaking out a bit. What if you’re 40 before you have sex again?!?
8. Do some laundry, then hang out on the dryer for a load or two.
9. Delete Tinder, because you can find someone to have sex with all on your own!
10. Become a little too interested in your friends’ sex lives.
11. Watch Superbad to get yourself out of this funk, and then realize that in that moment, McLovin has more game than you. Get very sad.
12. Drink something strong.
13. Download Tinder… again.
14. Contemplate a life of celibacy.
15. LOLLL that was fun.
16. Watch Shame for the wonderful dialogue and plot.
17. Take some time to “find yourself.”
18. Realize that you hate playing Hide and Seek.
19. Read that book you’ve been meaning to read for the past two years. Then read everything else on the New York Times best seller list.
20. Exercise… so much exercise.
21. Sign up for a cooking class. That’s where everyone finds dates, right??
22. Buy some condoms. Just to renew some sense of hope.
23. You start to really consider that weird person in your office.
24. Try to learn an instrument. A sexy one, like the saxophone.
25. You finally have sex.