1. You feel seriously accomplished when you go outside for something non-essential. What a day. I went out to a coffee shop just because. I’M SUCH A REBEL.
2. You consider certain inanimate objects in your apartment to be close friends. Oh Crosley, you sure know exactly what to say. But what does Mr. Microwave think? He usually has good relationship advice.
3. When your hand brushes the cashier’s while they hand you your change, you get chills, because you haven’t felt another human being in like four days.
4. You get actively excited when an actor on your favorite show looks directly into the camera. So this is what eye contact feels like.
5. You used to weigh the pros and cons of leaving your apartment in the morning, but now you weigh the pros and cons of moving from your bed to the couch.
6. You’ve been overcome with jealousy when you think about how hermits can carry their homes on their backs. They can be productive members of society AND be back home in seconds. IT’S NOT FAIR.
7. You freeze like a deer caught in the headlights whenever the doorbell rings. Or really, whenever there’s a slight commotion outside your door.
8. You consider opening your windows your daily dose of fresh air, and if you’re feeling super adventurous, you’ll open your door to create a cross-breeze.
9. The idea of small talk stresses you out so much that whenever you’re out, you’re working really hard to not make eye contact with anyone.
10. You’re the first one to know when Netflix announces their new additions, and have very strong opinions about how they affect Netflix’s reputation.
11. You consider yourself to be the leader of your Neighborhood Watch program, solely because you’re always there and can sense when something’s amiss.
12. You walked outside to check the mail, and the Sun was just too much. WHY, GIANT SKY ORB, WHY DO YOU HURT SO MUCH???
13. Your friends no longer ask you to hang out, because they learned from the last 25 times you bailed, that you’re probably going to do that again, and you really can’t blame them.
14. You’ve seriously considered that you could be that person that dies in their apartment and no one notices until the smell of your rotting corpse wafts downstairs, and you’ve kind of accepted it.
15. You consider a stream of text messages to be actual conversation, because if you didn’t, you would have to admit that you haven’t had a conversation with anyone in three days.
16. You didn’t leave your apartment for two weeks when you upgraded to Amazon Prime.
17. You know the exact vantage point where you can see anyone approaching your apartment without being seen yourself.