1. Living with someone that’s not dieting.
Nothing kills a dieter’s spirit more than waking up to the smell of cooking bacon and knowing you can’t have any. I know I fell asleep in my bed, but did I wake up in Guantanamo?? And why can’t rice cakes smell that heavenly?
2. Fad diets. So many fad diets.
With every new South Beach diet, your hopes spike. You think, this is The One. You dive in with gusto, as if you’re seeing the world in color for the first time. But soon enough, all those vibrant colors are dimming to grey, and you know. It’s not The One, and all the cookbooks and motivational DVDs are retired to the cemetery of fallen fads.
3. Wearing exercise clothes.
You refuse to wear that skin tight, aerodynamic, hermetically sealed tracksuit until you lose five pounds, but you won’t lose the five pounds until you get in the suit and go running. This is one of Dante’s Circles of Hell, I’m sure of it.
4. Starting the diet today.
I can start tomorrow. I can totally start the diet tomorrow. What difference is one day going to make? I’ve already put it off for two months, what’s one more day? Plus, this way I can eat a last meal like all the people on death row do. I’ll eat all my favorite things today so that I’ll have the memories of delicious foods to get me through the cold, lonely nights. Yep. I’ll definitely start the diet tomorrow.
5. Seeing those miracle diet pill ads in the corner of your browser.
Typical thought process when viewing ad:
- God, that’s so fake. It’s clearly two different models in the Before and After pictures. What a scam.
- Well, are they different people? Their faces are quite symmetrical.
- It may be the same person, but it’s definitely photoshopped.
- What, Johanna? Are you saying people are incapable of losing weight? That model could have done it!
- Seriously. 25 pounds in two weeks. That’s really impressive.
- I mean, what if this is the real deal? What if this is just a classic instance of The Boy Who Cried Wolf, and all the other diet pills were fake but these ones are real?
- Click the ad. What have you got to lose? *Clicks ad*
- Ok, nope. Definitely fake. *Dreams crushed*
Would eating one really hurt? Just one? No one would know, and they’re so good! You know what else is good? Ice cream. Ohhh or waffles. Donuts. Hamburgers pizzacheesyfrieseggrollstacoscupcakesbrownies GODDAMNIT. STOP IT.
7. Going to dinner with other people.
Especially if they don’t know you’re dieting. You’ve got two options: State upfront that you’re on a diet and have to go into detail about what you are and aren’t eating and then have to listen to countless diet stories that no one really wants to hear but everyone wants to tell. Or, wait until dessert menus come out, and once everyone else begins ordering brownie sundaes, you admit you’re on a diet, and go through all the same hoopla as Scenario 1.
8. Fit people always trying to give you advice.
This connects with the one above. Sometimes the advice is helpful, and when said with the right intent, it doesn’t sound like nails on a chalkboard. But honestly, it’s as if these triathletes think that chronic dieters don’t know that “the best way to lose weight is by eating healthy and exercising.” WE KNOW. IT’S JUST REALLY FUCKING HARD.
9. Thinking you’re doing everything right… and gaining weight.
Talk about heart breaking. Generally you end up screaming and crying at your scale. “What do you mean? I ate salads all week, and I GAINED two pounds??? Debbie across the street is on the same diet I am and she lost five! It’s not faaaaaairrrr!” It takes all of your inner strength to continue with your diet after being dealt this kind of blow, but you do your best, at least until the next fad diet rolls around.