Preface: for simplicity’s sake, we’ll just give all references to “bullies” one totally random name. Holly Hemmersmitte. She definitely didn’t go to my high school.
1. “Shut up.”
We’ve all imagined that movie moment when we just stood up to Holly in a second of glorious empowerment and told her to shut the fuck up. The music would swell, and the rest of the class would sit in shocked silence before slow clapping. The clapping would escalate into raucous cheers as the entire class stands (including the teacher) and watches as Holly runs from the room, humiliated.
2. “This is when you peak.”
Sure, there’s really no way you could have known this in high school, but it would have been great to let Holly know that in ten years she’s still working the drive thru window at the Jack in the Box on the corner of Fifth and Market.
3. “I know you are, but what am I?”
A classic line that might throw Holly off her game enough that she’s not able to throw another jab at you before you make a hasty retreat.
4. “I’m rubber you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”
Along the same lines as the previous one, but equally as effective, if not slightly more so. You could even borrow Sheldon Cooper’s approach with, “I’m polymerized tree sap and you’re an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you,” but that might backfire and just feed the flames.
5. “No, you may NOT copy my homework.”
Because that homework legitimately took you two hours to do, and they’re going to copy it in a matter of minutes. At the very least you should have thought to give them homework with all wrong answers.
6. “I’m pretty sure I saw your boyfriend making out with someone yesterday and it wasn’t you”
High horses are meant to be fallen off of, especially if the riders are acting like royalty. Just ask Marie Antoinette.
7. “I hope your future kids never have to encounter bullies like you when they’re in school.”
As much as you like to think that things would have improved if you had stood your ground and bullied them back, you would just end up on the same low level as the Holly’s of the world. Sure, if we actually said this to Holly back in high school, we probably just would have had our asses handed to us on a silver platter, but we can hope that the words might stick with her for the next time she catches the scent of a lone nerd grazing in the cafeteria.