1. You have no idea what day of the week it is.
The only thing keeping you tethered to reality is the knowledge that The Mindy Project airs on Tuesdays. You watched The Mindy Project two nights ago? Bingo, it’s Thursday.
2. You can’t actually remember the last time you wore pants.
You did laundry two weeks ago, and since all of your jeans are still neatly folded in your closet, that would mean…
3. Your friends have stopped asking what you’re up to.
They’re all well aware of how you spend your days and have finally grown tired of that awkward conversation.
Them: “So when I’m not working a full-time job, I’m volunteering at the animal hospital and training for my next half-marathon! What’s new with you?”
You: “Oh, you know, exploring my options…”
4. You’ve already seen all the movies and TV shows on Netflix’s suggestion list.
House of Cards? Check. Orange Is the New Black? Check. Twice. A collective twenty-two seasons of Cheers and Frasier? Unfortunately, check. You really didn’t think this day would come, but here you are, finally watching Honey Badgers: Masters of Mayhem.
5. You refuse to leave your apartment before 5PM.
Then everyone will KNOW you’re unemployed. You refuse to be that unshowered twenty-something buying Cheeto Puffs and wine at 2PM on a Monday. However, if you go to the store after 5PM, then you just look like an exhausted workaholic who needs Cheeto Puffs and wine to unwind after a long day at the office.
6. You’ve memorized your landlord’s schedule.
He gets home from the gym at 7PM and is in the shower by 7:20. So if you order delivery at 6:45, it should arrive while he’s in the shower, and you can successfully avoid him for the third week in a row.
7. You’re very aware of how much money your working friends spend.
On the rare occasion that you go out to eat, you spend way too much time focusing on what your friends are ordering. “You’re getting what? AND adding shrimp for an extra $3??” You sulk and order the side salad.
8. You’ve adopted a strange hobby to keep yourself busy.
It’s an entire business plan, actually. You’re going to master building dollhouses out of Popsicle sticks and then make a living by selling them on Etsy. They’ll sell like wildfire until eventually Oprah features them as one of her Favorite Things. It’s foolproof.
9. You have a set script for when your parents call.
Yes, I’m still looking for a job…yes, I asked Uncle Jack to look over my resume… I’m still waiting to hear back from my last interview…yes, I’ll call them tomorrow….
10. The thought of getting out of bed every morning is exhausting.
You’ll send out a dozen more resumes, continuously lowering your standards from a job in your field of study to just about any job. But someone’s got to hire you eventually, right? So you get out of bed.