The Two Types Of Guys That There Are

Seems to me that there are two kinds of guys in this world.

Guys that I like, and guys that like me. There is no overlap in this Venn Diagram.

Guys That Like Me. They could be ugly, they could be very hot. They range from smart but not deep to dumb but earnest. And by “range” I mean they are either one of those things. They think that I am smart and/ or pretty and/ or cute and/ or fun to be around and/ or chill and/ or tolerable but mostly because they either aren’t looking for more than a brunette who is conscious or someone who fits the freakishly-detailed but completely bloodless list they made for themselves when they first started ‘seriously looking.’

Guys that like me like to buy me things, compliment me, cuddle, know my tastes, return my calls, ask me probing questions, do awesome sex shit to me without demanding reciprocation, do awesome sex shit to me period, and pretty much anything else I wish a guy I actually liked would do to me.

Guys that like me want to hang out with me more often than I want to hang out with them. This is where it begins to be a problem. Typically these guys are needy, or in reality that’s just how I perceive them because they are s000 over-invested based on how little they actually know me.

Guys that like me trick me into seeing them longer than I otherwise would with the following tactics: a) compliments, b) elaborate, often bewildering dates (“Wait, we’re going to bar number five tonight? Why did you pack a lunch? Why are we in Wisconsin?”), c) back massages, d) that sex shit I mentioned earlier, e) boredom/ idle curiosity.

Guys that like me will never win because as it turns out at the moment of truth, no, I don’t want to ______ your ______, ever. I’m not some kind of diva bitch, but damn, I can’t feel attracted to you if I feel like you’re obsessed with me for reasons that have absolutely noting to do with ‘me.’

Guys That I Like. They don’t even have to be attractive. Honestly. In fact they probably aren’t, which is why my walls were down far enough to allow me to get on their hook. On that note, there is something really quirky about them that I find attractive — they had a weird niche minor in college, they have an obsessive and bizarre yet respectable hobby, or maybe they’re just really dumb and cute.

Without a doubt they over-communicate, whether it’s by spending 10+ hours a day on Gchat, texting incessantly, or hopefully both. This is crucial because it (probably falsely) makes me feel like we are ‘getting to know each other’ and that some level of investment/ dependency (not in the creepy way) is being fostered.

Guys that I like seem to actually understand the things about me that are likable. That I’m smart and interesting and sassy and loyal. Guys that I like seem to actually understand the things about me that you could only know from spending time around me and actually paying attention to me. That I get anxious when watching movies because I can’t wait to find out what happens, that I don’t check my mail because I’m afraid to see a bill even though I’m fine with paying it, that I always drink a beer in the shower when I’m getting ready to go out.

Guys that I like will always like me back, but will never admit to themselves — or to me — that I am what they are looking for because it’s not as easy being with a dumbass that hangs on their every word. Because I will call them on their bullshit and tell them when they are being disrespectful. Because my demand for reciprocity makes them feel intimidated. But mostly because whatever it is that makes them interesting and deep also makes them incapable of commitment and selfish and generally just really awful human beings, to me and to probably everyone else.

So in conclusion… if you are by some miracle the middle ground between these two points, um… call me? TC mark


image – Tela Chhe


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  • Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    Phil is lolzing a lot in Minnesota or something, but you have to pay a fee (phy). LIKE

  • Bro bro

    Ummmmm. Hmmm. Mmmmmkay.

  • Meghan Blalock

    If it makes you feel better, I also don’t check my mail and drink beer in the shower. Unfortunately, I am also not a guy.

  • Cody Ellis

    You just described being single.

  • PTK

    Trick question at the end with the ‘call me’ request. Wouldn’t all the needy guys you didn’t like call you? And all the ones you do like not call you because it would admit interest?

  • Yoplait

    Conclusion: Guys that like you, you don’t want. Guys you like, don’t want you. Cruel irony. Or, maybe, you just want what you can’t have and will continue to search for it endlessly while writing articles that place blame on men rather than seek resolve for your own psychological complexes?

  • Guest

    I am awesome and all guys basically like me and I’m being annoyingly over analytical about it… mostly to reminisce about all that is attractive about ME. Relate to me! My life is hard! I have great sex, and guys who want to appreciate me and treat me with respect. UGH, how tragic!

    • Guest

      Also, I only like guys that don’t seem that into me cuz I probably have self esteem/daddy issues. Tragic indeed.

      • Liz Lemon Wannabe

        Have father issues too… sigh

      • kate swartz

        i feel like your readiness to relate indicates a pretty major misunderstanding of what’s going on here.

    • aaron nicholas

      tough crowd

  • Marie

    You have to give me something to care about before I can enjoy reading an article.

  • xra

    sure they always like you back

  • ep

    perfect. why do all good things from minnesota? 

  • Kate

    This is my life!

  • CarmenOhio

    So, you don’t like guys that do things for you but you want to transform a guy who doesn’t do those things for you into a guy who does do those things for you?  I can’t remember the last time I’ve said this, but grow the fuck up and stop making life so difficult for yourself.

  • Kennneth Gibson

    So basically you’re saying that there isn’t a guy out there that isn’t attracted to you, simply the ones that seem to be uninterested have something wrong with them that prevents them from expressing their feelings? Riiiiiiiiight. 

  • Chris Tung

    You had my support until you dropped this bomb: “Guys that I like will always like me back, but will never admit to
    themselves — or to me — that I am what they are looking for because it’s
    not as easy being with a dumbass that hangs on their every word.” Yes, it’s cliche to say that “every guy that I like doesn’t like me back”, but the fact that you went the other way and assumed that every guy you like “always likes you back” is so incredibly vain that you come off as someone that I don’t think you intended to. Good writing, but perhaps some more vulnerability would allow more of your audience to connect with your story.

  • Liz Lemon Wannabe

    This is the story of my life right now… ”Whatever it is that makes them interesting & deep also makes them incapable of commitment & just awful human beings’ 
    I think we should exchange notes on our damned love life. 

  • Ivan Dutton

    Drinking a beer in the shower before going out my just be the most genious multi-task ever! 10 points

  • Frida

    Damn. So right.

  • Ivy

    I get this article exactly, except I feel a crippling sense of guilt over those who like me I don’t like back. I do what I can to be nice to them and let them know they are in the “friend zone.” 

    Perhaps those guys that you like put you in their friend zones? They probably think you’re a remarkable woman that they’d love to talk to more but for some reason they don’t want to commit to you just as you wouldn’t to those you don’t like.  

    That’s how the world goes, honey. Either you’re chasing someone or someone’s chasing you.  You pick whichever makes you happier. 

  • guest

    plain and simple, this article is not well written

  • Colin

    us middle-ground guys exist, you’ll find one if you look hard enough

  • Joshua Logan

    This smells like self sabotage to me.  If you think that only two types of men exist well then that’s all there is for you. 

  • Shoe Skogen

    Not that it’s ok, but the guys in the second group might well be terrified of being decent to you. Seem likes the guys that are considerate and caring get an attitude of scorn and disdain.

  • TheVaultDweller

    “How come all the girls I fall in love with never fancy me? How come all the one’s I don’t do?”

    Sounds to me like you’re looking to find someone who’e mildly into you, who may or may not do nice things to/for/with you (sexually or otherwise) and who may or may not want a long term relationship, depending on how you feel today.  Are you my ex?  :-)

  • Clopek

    Are you sure you’re smart and interesting?

  • JoshRom

    Man, it sure is hard not to be judgemental after reading this.  But I must ask, why are you having sex with guys you don’t like and why aren’t you thankful to have so many people that are obsessed with you.  Shit, if I found out I had a stalker I would probably marry her.  

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