Online Dating Profiles Of The Wise And Famous

My Self-Summary: Hey, what’s up. I’m an easy going guy looking for love or just a date to the next symposium.

What I’m Doing with My Life: What do you mean by ‘doing’? If you think about how we don’t exist in the past or the future, you know ‘accomplishing something’ over a period of time is an illusion. But if you mean, like, how do I occupy most of my time? I usually just chill hard with my bros at the academy and the oracle at Delphi.

The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: My eyes or my smile.

The Six Things I Could Never Live Without: My vocal cords, my overactive sense of importance, people to listen to me talk, less intelligent people whose arguments I can rip to shreds, Plato to write down all my shit for me, alcohol/symposi-raves.

You Should Message Me If: You know any good wisdom w/r/t the nature of reality, why evil exists, how to attain knowledge, or relevant cures for hemlock.

My Self-Summary: Feminist French existentialism philosopher and all around boss bitch.

What I’m Doing With My Life: Being ‘sooooo mysterious’ on account of possessing a vagina, smoking cigs, reminding people that I’m smarter than Jean-Paul Sartre, fucking Jean-Paul Sartre.

The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: That there’s a chick walking around the philosophy department.

Six Things I Could Never Live Without: What about six things I can live without? Marriage, children, age of consent, immanence, misogynists, a good reputation.

You Should Message Me If: You are interested in women as human beings that are just like men with different body parts and not ethereal, hysterical baby makers, or you want to do some weird sex stuff with me and JP.

My Self-Summary: So I really, really hate women. But this mensch isn’t gonna über itself, if you know what I mean.

What I’m Doing with My Life: Willing to power, shitting on your ideas about fate and religion.

The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: Syphilis sores.

The Six Things I Could Never Live Without: Pssshhh I could live without anything. Life is meaningless.

You Should Message Me If: You have a horse face, like joyless philosophy bros, and will never refer to me as your ‘Freddy Bear.’

My Self-Summary: Just a laid back dude tryna promote pleasure out there, you know. AKA John Stuart Mill.

What I’m Doing with My Life: Trying to live like Socrates dissatisfied versus a pig satisfied. Which means I’m trying to read poetry and have intellectual discussions in addition to my three favorite hobbies: eating, sleeping, and fucking.

The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: Probably my dead mentor in a glass cage.

The Six Things I Could Never Live Without: pleasure, happiness, utility, the absence of pain, hedons, and any other way to say the same thing.

You Should Message Me If: You want to promote the greatest amount of pleasure for the greatest number of people. In other words, you’re interested in meeting me and my roommate for a no-strings-attached threeway.

My Self-Summary: I’m a single individual looking for someone to help comfort me re: my awareness of the chasm between gravity and grace.

What I’m Doing With My Life: Thinking about my ability and inability to understand the divine transcendent reality, be a good person, live a ‘meaningful’ life. Existing in absurdity, etc.

The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: Fear + trembling.

The Six Things I Could Never Live Without: The Socratic Method, faith, contradictions, pseudonyms, popped collars, hair gel.

You Should Message Me If: You’re a good Christian girl ready to take a leap of faith into my <3. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • Jordan

    OK well this is the second post I’m aware of that’s just been reposted from elsewhere.  And this is apparently from over two months ago.  I’m sure I’m unaware of lots more as I’m not aware of too many other blogs/sites like this but…how much is this really happening on TC?

    Judging by what gets posted I thought that TC would post ANYTHING, so there wouldn’t be a need to repost other sites’ stuff.  What’s the dealio?  Are there not as many (TC-caliber) submissions as it would seem? 

    • http://twitter.com/joshliburdi Josh Liburdi

      this is an interesting comment. given that articles on this site are almost always written with the intention of self-promotion, I see no issue with explicitly publishing something that has been published on another website (especially if it is good).

    • TheTimes

      This is a typical procedure on blogs.   They do it all the time. 

    • Guesty

      Websites syndicating other websites’ content is totally standard on the blogosphere. You must be new here.

      • Jordan

        As mentioned above, TC is the only blog I read like this, a lifestyle/literary blog.  I read plenty of other blogs, but I think they tend to be personal or content-specific in nature so there’s not much sharing of articles.  And if there is they tend to be in the context of adding some content or a rebuttal, things like that.

        I’m not new ‘here,’ I read lots of blogs and this one since Day 1 but to this particular ring yes.

  • http://whoismau.tumblr.com/ Mauricio

    I can’t feel my stomach. LAUGHING 2 HARD

  • Craig Duncan

    I’m a grad. student in philosophy and found this article to be only mildly amusing, i.e., a slight grin + forced “heh” type amusement. But then again, I didn’t laugh when I was told by a professor that the correct pronunciation of “Kant” should sound like “Cunt.”

    P.S. Kudos to the author for recognizing that Nietzsche is pronounced “NEET-CHA” and not “NEET-CHEE.”

    • Guest

      no1curr

      • Craig Duncan

        Channeling Chris Tucker: English mother fucker! Do you speak it?

  • Guest

    jokes too obvious bye

  • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.n.knutson Sarah N. Knutson

    Is it wrong that I thought Kierkegaard’s “profile” was adorable?

  • http://twitter.com/lauren_wilford Lauren Wilford

    I got it bad for Kierkegaard, for realsies. 

  • Poco Bedasheh

    Life isn’t meaningless according to Nietzsche.  His philosophy, if anything, is ‘life affirming.’  Nice, amusing article nevertheless.  Thanks for sharing.

  • space mountain

    kierkegaard was hot though.  i had a poster of that picture on my wall growing up

  • xra

    a site like thought catalog could have way better philosophy articles

  • Victor Eremita

    Kierkegaard would never set up a dating profile!! he had it bad for Regina Olsen but had to break up their engagement because of his despair/thinking his family was cursed!

    • Paul

      I think he jacked Regine because he worried he’d not be able to focus on his writing fully if he married her – and writing was his be all and end all, his real God.  Also he possibly felt,  more or less unconsciously, that he’d sucked enough blood out of her to fuel him through the years ahead and the work he needed to get done.

      I am perhaps being crass and unfair to the man, but it a suspicion I can’t shake for the life of me.

  • Victor Eremita

    Kierkegaard would never set up a dating profile!! he had it bad for Regina Olsen but had to break up their engagement because of his despair/thinking his family was cursed!

  • http://twitter.com/liesinspiloos Lisette Nijboer

    Plato didn’t write Socrates’ shit down.
    Plato wrote his own theories giving the guy who turned out to be right at the end of the discussion the name of Socrates. He did this as an act of admiration, I believe.

    Did have quite a genuine smile while reading the rest of this article =)

  • Tinywiny

    Why are the readers/writers of this site always sweating Kierkegaard?

  • Fuq

    “So I really, really hate women. But this mensch isn’t gonna über itself, if you know what I mean.”

    I lol’d.

  • Lester_hunt

    The one on Nietzche is ignorant, nasty, and not funny. 

  • Paul

    What’s with the Nietzsche hate? How strange!  The profile above gets him exactly backwards (I know this piece is a tongue in cheek, but jokes ought to point the right way to start with).

    He certainly didn’t hate women. 

    He is a fateful thinker (the eternal return) and creatively religious (he didn’t laud “spirit” for nothing). 

    Life for Nietzsche was anything but meaningless

    And you won’t find a more joyous philosophy than his outside of the literature of India or China…

    Kierkegaard, on the otherhand, comes across as a somewhat creepy, manipulative  pseud – both intellectually and emotionally.

    Yet to judge from this blog, women love Soren and hate Fred.   Ladies: you have the worst taste in men.  TBH, I think Soren is getting the love because of his emo tantrums and funky hair and htis makes me feel bemused and somehwat depressed.  Which brings one of Nietzsche’s aphorisms to mind:

    “Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.”

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