Existentialists. Just because you figured out the ultimate philosophical truth doesn’t mean that you get to be a dickbag to people who haven’t. Not everybody has a big giant pulsating brain like you and/or endless hours at their part-time Starbucks job to think about the nature of reality.
Europeans. Why you got so much land and such a culturally rich history bro? Sure we got problems here in ‘Murrrica but we’re like bitchy preteens compared to you. Also just cuz you decided to conspire against us with your fancy new money and its symbol that looks like the key to a Tolkein treasure map doesn’t mean I’m stupid because I don’t ‘understand currency.’ That’s why we invented Google. U-S-A.
Marketing majors. Hey cool dude you make a living wage doing the adult equivalent of playing with coloring crayons. Guess what, some of us are chained to a desk sending faxes and making coffee all day long but we don’t complain, so check your privilege and stop Instagramming pictures of you and your coworkers having an ironic Tamagotchi-themed midday happy hour.
Anybody who doesn’t get a hangover. You probably have at least 16 more productive hours a week than the rest of us. You consider yourself normal and us ‘troubled’ but that is marginalizing. Stop bothering me and hand me the Ibuprofen you inevitably have in your desk because your lifestyle allows time for things like ‘Target runs.’
PhD students. Hey, life’s hard, right? You would know, you read about it in a book once! I’d say more about your privilege except the scale is somewhat balanced by the fact that you’ll forever have to narrow your inevitable Match.com candidates by 90% because you literally cannot allow yourself to date someone with less education than yourself. Also you mentally flagged my colloquial misuse of the word “literally.” CYP.
Catholics. You have your own city. There are a ton of really important cities with saint names. It sucks for you that one of them is a gay mecca, but check your privilege! At least in America if you are Catholic you are probably the least persecuted religious group there is. When people have equal rights/food/happiness/etc. then you can re-send your DVDs about abortion and maybe I’ll look at them.
People who know how to spell privilege without looking it up every single time. Seriously how in the eff does it not have a ‘D’ in it?!