5 Rules For Becoming An Acceptable Modern Woman

1. Have a career you feel intellectually apathetic to but also excel at.

Basically you’re supposed to have your own source of income that isn’t reliant on anyone but yourself, but you also aren’t really allowed to care about it either because you might be asked to give it up at a moment’s notice. You should basically just flaunt your employment up until the moment you meet a man with borderline-income-replacing capabilities and then forget about yourself and your career progress entirely.

2. Engage in all kinds of zany sex without respect for whether you actually enjoy it in the name of progressiveness.

In order to be the best possible ‘freak in the sheets’ just make sure you do whatever the other person wants without regard for your own personal tastes.

3. Care about fashion without acting like you care about fashion.

You need to look put together and feminine all the time. But you can’t ever look like that took effort. Let me know when you figure this out.

4. Get drunk like a man without announcing that you can drink like a man.

Be able to hold your liquor and drink whatever whenever without complaining. But don’t act too “down to get wasted” or your lady friends will resent you. Sensitive balance.

5. Assert that you don’t want children or a husband but only mean it in sort of a sitcom-ish way.

As in, there’s no doubt you’ll get pregnant and married within an acceptable timeframe but when that happens you can be like, “Wow, I can’t believe this happened to ME of all people!