5 Essential Steps For Being An Asshole

Bhumika Bhatia
Bhumika Bhatia

1. Push people away

What you have to understand about assholes is that they are scared-as-fuck baby bitches. What other kind of person views the opportunity cost of not having to be vulnerable vs. not having authentic relationships with people and chooses the former?

2. Feel sad for yourself

Always remember that your life is truly made difficult entirely by the people around you, and not your attitude, at all, ever. It’s hard out there for an asshole.

3. Self-identify as an asshole

This lets people know upfront that you won’t be culpable for the transgressions you’ll commit later on. The onus of pleasure is on other people, and why shouldn’t it be? This kind of bitch work is for the crazies who get all emotional about stuff. No one understands assholes. They have inner pain that regular people can’t even begin to fathom.

4. Flatter yourself

Assume your shiteater-at-large persona comes with a certain cache. Assume people are intrigued by your general assholery and wonder how you came to be that way instead of patiently observing your behavior in a manner typically reserved for watching a kid you don’t really care about do something for the first time. Assume all women want to tie you down but could never understand your wild ways.

5. Be a fatalist

Determinism is a philosophy usually reserved for super conservatives and super assholes. It’s easy to assume you have no control over the outcome of your actions if you’re happy with your lot in life. If you’re rich and white or even just generally on top of most situations then of course, this is god’s plan or fate or merit. You don’t make the rules! Apply determinism to people whose lives suck. Still sound logical? That’s what I thought. TC mark

This post originally appeared on PhiLOLZophy.

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