Thought Catalog

When Nothing Makes Sense

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Pyrosky

Sometimes you go to bed and wake up the next morning and everything is different and you don’t know why. You are elated one day and paralyzed with anxiety the next. All of a sudden you love green olives or don’t care about your bad highlights or hate your boyfriend. Sometimes nothing makes sense.

Sometimes you are madly in love and you put yourself through medieval-style emotional torture on the tiny little slim chance you’ll get some measure of reciprocity and everyone you know tells you to move on, to leave it behind, to assert yourself and demand what you deserve. And you can’t and you can’t and you can’t and you can’t and then all of a sudden one day you can and it’s block — defriend — unfollow — delete — exit — the end.

Sometimes the only future you can see is a certain way. Eggs at brunch and comfortable sex and Bed Bath and Beyond forever. And the loss of that vision is like a death. You have to mourn it and say goodbye and start to think, “This can never be,” instead of “If only.” And then you’re faced with the awful, magical, existentially dreadful indefinite future where you have a world of possibility available to you yet nothing is for certain. No guarantees. No security. But no f-cking toxicity.

And nothing makes sense but nothing is confusing either. You’re floundering without an inner tube but you’re in six inches of water. The second you’re left alone and your flailing isn’t drawing poo-poos and omgareyouoks from everybody around you, you realize that things aren’t so bad, really. Unfamiliar, but not bad.

And you get used to it. You float on your back and wrap yourself in the comfortable blanket known as the exhale and then the not-making-sense part becomes the status-quo part. It feels good. Lovely even, like an over-poured glass of whiskey in the middle of the day.

Then there will be the times when you think the part that makes sense doesn’t make sense and the not-making-sense part does. It’s like getting knocked off your feet in the ocean and being unsure where the surface is as you get tossed and trashed around by the erratic, unthinking current. Given the choice, would you rather be tortured but feel deep and meaningful or happy but complacent? Is it better to have a healthy relationship in the present tense or the hope of a happier, longer one in the hypothetical future? Do you even know what you want? Do you cry because you miss him or because you hate him?

It doesn’t make sense and it might not ever again. But maybe if you try really hard or relax in the recognition that it doesn’t, you can make a little sense of the nonsense. TC mark

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1046820072 Dalia Asfoor

    “And nothing makes sense but nothing is confusing either”. Genius. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1340176922 Lisa Bengs

    beautiful. thank you.

  • SaraLily

    oh my god. THANK YOU. This is how I’ve felt all week and it’s comforting to read my thoughts/feelings in print. Can’t say it enough – THANK YOU!

  • Maghennicole

    Great read, thoughtful and beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.
    – M.

  • Erika Saldarriaga

    Love this..

  • scarlet

    ive spent the last month or so trying to put this into words, and you have done it for me. thankyou!

  • Anonymous

    This makes so much sense.
    Thank you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/careuhsellxo Angela Joyce

    “Do you even know what you want? Do you cry because you miss him or because you hate him?” This is exactly how I’ve felt for months. Damn. Thank you. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612696353 Kelli Hadley

    This was perfect. I’m terrified of some changes I have to make, and it feels good to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/fleurang Fleurhelmina Ang

    There’s nothing quite like being haunted by your emotions for the past month or so and then see this and realize that whatever you’re going through, there’s someone out there who not just understands, but writes about it the way you would, only so much better. <3

  • Kierky4evs

    cute name play off of kierky

    i heart him forevz <33333

  • Waicool

    Enjoyed this so much I read it twice.  Thought Catalog is better because of Johanna.

    • http://twitter.com/xsssy xsssy

       <3

  • Taylor

    This hit the nail on head. Oh my goodness. Words for all the things I couldn’t formulate into a coherent thought. Heartbreak is new to me and most certainly the most confusing thing I have ever felt. Thank you for the peace of mind.

  • Maja

    Oh, hi there! Thank you for describing my current situation. I ended a “happy”, peaceful relationship because I would rather “be tortured but feel deep and meaningful” than “happy but complacent”. And I am tortured by both the past and the present. And yet, i wouldn’t change my decision if my life depended on it. I like the thrashing of the waves. I need it. i can’t gloat through life. That’s just not me.

    • Maja

      *float :D

      Also, i meant to say i was also tortured by the future. but “present” works just fine, as well :P

  • http://twitter.com/JustGeeee Geleen Faye Gallego

    i miss tc. and this one really gave fireworks to my comeback. i <3 tc!

  • Shatha H.

    ….now im confused!

    Great one though

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