Thought Catalog

How Things Can Change

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Yes, you can have a goodnight kiss. Not everyone wants you only for what you can offer sexually. Not everyone will only behave intimately towards you when you are five minutes from having sex. Someone very soon will care about you in a way that is distinct from their own needs and will want to show you that when they are given the chance. You will feel loved and happy and your desire for this is not irrational.

You can have a romance on your own terms. Maybe this means you want to spend more time sleeping in your own bed or less time having unfulfilling anal sex. Maybe you’d like to go out in public more often or maybe you’d like to go camping or talk about poetry or not watch a sports game. You can have that. Someone will be interested in what you care about just because they care about and are interested in you.

Your relationship can be recognized. Someone will fall in love with you who lets his friends and family know. Who introduces you to them and wants them to like you because they like you. Who won’t call you “my friend” in public and who will write on your Facebook wall and who will pose for pictures with you without cringing or making excuses.

You can communicate without fighting. One of the most important lessons a person can and (hopefully) will learn after their first relationship is that drama doesn’t equal intimacy. Just because you are having frequent, vulnerable, complicated conversations it doesn’t mean your relationship is deep or meaningful. It means you’re both insecure and hurt and it’s damaged beyond repair, probably. You will find someone who likes to talk to you because they think you are funny and interesting and they want your perspective, not to punish or check up on you.

You can feel happy and excited when you are communicated with. On a related note, you need to know that you can get to a place where you feel elated and not anxious when someone communicates with you. Your phone will buzz and you will feel affectionate and not sick to your stomach.

You can expect someone to care about you as an equal. This involves all levels of reciprocity in a relationship, not the least of which regards your sexual needs. You deserve to be able to clearly communicate what you want and you deserve to have those wants understood and appreciated. You are not a possession or a servant.

You can stop lying to your friends. You will feel infinitely better when you can stop telling your friends that this person and/or your relationship with them is perfect, happy, healthy, normal, etc. Someday you will find a person whose actions speak for themselves and you won’t have to bullsh-t anybody. TC mark

image – kevin dooley
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  • bmichael

    can you ever overcome a bad case of cooties, though?

  • Mildred Bonk

    This is absolutely gorgeous. This, for me at least, cuts straight to the heart. Everyone should be reminded of the things you have said here. So often we lose sight.

  • Dove

    Just what I need right now.

  • Fancyrukus

    Thank you for the reminders. I needed this today. Silly, but the last sentence almost made me cry. “Someday you will find a person whose actions speak for themselves and you won’t have to bullsh-t anybody”. I didn’t even realize I was doing it…

  • eatbooksforbreakfast

    finally a worth while read on here, thank you

    • Anonymous

      Genuinely curious why you read TC if you hate all the articles?

  • Grace Elizabeth

    I wish someone would have told me all of this a few years ago before  my husband and I got together XD He’s proved it all 100% true! Great article :)

  • Tanya Salyers

    Definitely needed this as I embark on a new relationship.  Good stuff.

  • bee

    YES! THANK YOU!  Especially the second one.  Why does everyone feel that there is only ONE type of relationship (or non-relationship) that is the true essence of success and happiness?  This is one of the first articles about relationships I have actually been able to relate to on TL.

  • Briana

    what the….

    literally everything = my soul right now.

    • Briana

      sorry, that’s a very weird comment. what i mean to say is: thank you. it’s good to hear this.

  • BDE

    For a long time I didn’t understand that relationships didn’t have to revolve around having (or not having) sex.  I felt like my ex-boyfriend only valued me if I was putting out, though I do think he loved me despite my insecurities.  It wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend and realized that he loved talking to me as much as he loved my body that I final understood that this kind of relationship could exist.  Thank you for your post.

  • Betty B.

    I wish I was able to  actually have a relationship of this kind.

  • Anonymous

    Can I have an ETA for all of this please?

  • Sophia

    Wow, this just made me realize how shitty my last boyfriend was. Thanks for the hope that I didn’t even realize I needed.

  • guestin

    Still waiting

  • Eric

    Love this.

  • alyssa

    Haaa I wish I believed any of this :(

  • Veronica

    Love love love love love. This gives me so much hope–and oddly, I’m not feeling antsy about when it will ever happen for me. Great piece.

  • Gabrielle Greener

    Sorry to hear about your unfulfilling anal :(

  • Anonymous

    exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.

  • Anonymous

    Advice I need right now. :)

  • eleanor

    this is beautiful, thank you

  • Anonymous

    Nice to be reminded of this :) Everyone deserves this kind of fulfillment in a relationship.

  • Jessica Pippin

    This is wonderful. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. 

  • Ariane B

    I printed this and put it in my room, and I read it every week. Because even if I have never completely been in this kind of relationship, and even if sometimes I think it’s never going to happen for me, in my heart, I truly believe that it exists and we need to remind ourselves that there are good things and someone who is gonna fall in love with the person that we are. This article is exactly what I needed, thank you for writing it.

  • Juliet Syn Lyi

    Still slightly pessimistic about all these changes that are supposed to happen though :'(

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