All The Things I Did While Waiting For My Ex-Boyfriend To Call Me To Tell Me Something “Really Important”

Went to Burger King. Consumed an entire Whopper Jr., a feat I had until now never been capable of accomplishing.

Actually read my Twitter newsfeed for the first time in like two weeks.

Smoked a cigarette.

Lay in the middle of my living room floor staring at the ceiling.

Wished I had benzos. Looked around for benzos.

Absentmindedly pulled out a bunch of my hair. Thought, “Man, that’s gross.” Wadded up hair and put it on top of a notebook, thinking, “That’s better than the floor.”

Looked at the clock several dozen times. Checked Facebook to see if he had messaged me to changed the time of our phone call. He was supposed to call an hour and 18 minutes ago. Typical.

Looked at Pop up ad froze my computer. Damn it.

Reopened Hipster Runoff tab with article on James Blake and American dubstep I opened about a week ago but couldn’t finish, still couldn’t finish, navigated back to Tumblr.

Watched half of an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia I have seen three hundred times.

One hour and 33 minutes.

Turned on Jeopardy!

Just learned where the term “scapegoat” comes from.

Ate some Cheetos.

Gchatted a boy I used to like who is gay now. Bleak.

One hour and 51 minutes.

Two hours and six minutes. Granola bar. Apparently I am a stress eater.

Two hours 23 minutes. Have not moved since granola bar.

Received a text message, “Will you bring the scratch tickets.” Responded with non-sequitur, “He hasn’t called yet but I’m blogging about it.”

Okay so technically he was like, “Can I call you tomorrow afternoon,” and I was like, “Yeah after three,” and then he was like, “Okay” so maybe we didn’t necessarily agree on three but 5:29 p.m. isn’t really ‘afternoon’ any more, is it? Was going to say, “I should be more charitable, he’s seven time zones away, maybe he doesn’t realize what time it is here,” and then I realized it’s 12:35 a.m. there, what the f-ck is he doing.

Opened Word. Found a horrifyingly embarrassing blog draft that I must have written drunk. Saw the word “fingered” and minimized it instantly.

Three hours. Shoot me.

Okay that’s a lie, it’s only been two hours and 44 minutes but I want to hurry up and get to that milestone because gay chat buddy says six p.m. is officially ‘evening’ and not ‘afternoon’ and I want to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling until then.

BRB, laying on the floor staring at the ceiling. TC mark

image – Shutterstock


More From Thought Catalog

  • ElleDee

    fixations are a sign of mental illness. he better have had one hell of a cock.

    • phiLOLZophy

      he has erectile disfunction :(

      • ElleDee

        hahahaha PERFECT. I don’t know if you’re serious, but if you are this should help when you decide to get over this fish… and under one that can keep it hard  ;) Best of luck, Johanna <3

  • jc123

    I got anxiety reading this

  • melbelle

    Yup, that about describes my afternoon. I’m glad I’m not the only one…

  • Brian M

    I thought I read this before… I liked it again

  • Polly Ester

    did he ever ring? what was ‘really important’?


    • phiLOLZophy

      he knocked up some foreigner

      • Thomas Dyke


  • VA

    Who can’t eat an entire Whopper Jr.?  I was already dumbfounded when I thought it said, “Whopper.”  Imagine my surprise when it said, “Jr.”  I think she’s lying.

    • Olivia

      She’s ashamed of her consumption. It happens to me too sometimes, girls are dumb.

  • Scott

    This is a nice blog entry.

  • Shawn

    So sad. So true.

  • John

    You need more hobbies.  Can you drive over to Wisconsin and tell us about the Frank Lloyd Wright buildings?

    • Danielle

      Yes, Wisconsin.

  • criitn


  • nikkiana

    Been there, done that.  It sucks. 

  • Joachim Collingwood

    piece originally appeared on PHILOLZOPHY.”..but
    was oddly edited somewhere between there and here, and all stylistic
    changes aside – I sure hope the line, “Looked
    at Thought Catalog. Seems like Thought Catalog is “super broken”
    or something right now.”
    wasn’t left out because of its infinitesimally small jab at alleged
    Thought Catalog IT problems in the greater effort to appear on Thought
    Catalog and siphon off a few kids too cool for facebook looking to add
    another blog to their internet intelligentsia favorites folder.

    • Sdx

      not a necessary comment

      • Sdx

        aka (h)(w)aste

  • becky

    This was interesting. I do it too, though whopper jr’s are small…I mean I only weigh 110lbs and I can eat a whole one…I can even eat a whole whopper…what’s the big deal about that? Women shouldn’t be ashamed of what they eat.

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