Thought Catalog

On Being A Crazy Girl

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Can we be honest about the “crazy ex-girlfriend” thing? We all know that’s an urban relationship myth, right? I have a theory: the kinds of guys that talk about having “crazy exes” are crazy-making. Dudes love to complain about having crazy exes, except no one is crazy in a vacuum. People become crazy when you exhaust their ability to be sane. Behind every crazy ex is a dude who played just the tip with his heart.

What I am saying is I think I am becoming a crazy girl and I am going to need the men in my life to shoulder some of the blame. I am actually–physically–incapable of dealing with conflict or insecurity in any other way than immediately. If I am dating a guy, here is what he has to look forward to: “my anxiety is really bad today, can you text me something reassuring?” “how do you feel about me” “what percentage of the time do you spend worrying about stuff?” “what did you mean when you said X?” Sounds awful, right? But, I can’t hold it in. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t, like they should know how itchy and angsty I get on the reg before anything gets serious. This is terrible dating advice though; you’re supposed to bait and switch with the shiniest side of your personality before you expose your neuroses.

Is there ever a point when you can tell them what it’s like to be a girl? Like, to me if you want to understand what it’s like to be a bored white girl from the suburbs you should probably know that once my friend and I held hands underneath the stall wall in the bathroom at Taco Bell and tandem barfed our Crunchwrap Supremes. If someone were to ask me about the dark and twisty parts of being a girl, that’s what I would say. Girls congratulate each other on not eating and play dramatic songs  on repeat, sleep with people for affection, cry because he hasn’t called even if he hasn’t said he would, have ridiculously codependent relationships that involve sleeping/ showering/ crying together ad nauseum.

Of course there also exists an infinite list of good things about being a girl, but I need to list the things that make me feel crazy. Buying Plan B for someone on Christmas Eve and telling my family I was sick so I could be there while she cried all day. Dating someone who made me so unhappy I cried during my lunch break every day for months. Conversations with my mom where I realize I’m too sloppy/ lazy/ ugly to make her happy.

The right answer is you bury this, and let it come out at an appropriate time. You can cry when someone dies or when you get fired. You are definitely supposed to put a mask on the rest of the time. Act like someone who has it together, even if you don’t. Be unphased when you look in the mirror, when someone doesn’t text you back, when you can’t remember what you are supposed to be trying to do at the moment. Try to blame things on rational explanations. Convince yourself that when bad things happen it might not be just because you aren’t attractive and are crazy and kind of have the problem-solving skills of a toddler. Maybe deep breaths help. Maybe texting friends instead of boys. Maybe I’ll get a dog and limit my crazy to him, try to exhaust myself so I can be normal around normal people. These are things that might work.

In the meantime, I need acknowledgement that it takes two people to make a crazy ex. TC mark

image – Helga Weber

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    • http://twitter.com/aestover91 A. E. Stover

      While I’m inclined to agree with you, I’ve been in the presence of a lot of crazy people who are naturally crazy on their own… But of course, these “natural crazies” make up a very small percentage of the people I know.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      “Buying Plan B for someone on Christmas Eve and telling my family I was sick so I could be there while she cried all day…”

      WOW.

    • Hapexamendios

      Hon, you can’t blame your crazy on anyone but you.

      • DERPINA

        you know, now what I think about it, there was never a statement that began with “hon” and WASN’T condescending, was there?

      • Guest..o

        not true at all.

    • http://www.facebook.com/dotQureshi Sohaib Qureshi

      DUDE! You are just making all this up to feel good… By what i get, you ARE a crazy ex!

    • Casey

      it definitely takes two people to make someone crazy. I think my favorite line was the “playing just the tip with his heart.” damn.

    • laurensp

      This is so true that it’s scary. 

    • Chris

      Wow. Am I dating you?
      haha It’s time to take a step back form being  some guys girl and focus on being Johanna. Grow a spine and break off those bad relationships. Get yourself together, and do things just for you that build your confidence and independence. You are responsible for your own sanity. If somebody is driving you crazy, then you need to get that person out of your life.
      Good article though. Way to put it all out there.

    • Chris

      Wow. Am I dating you?
      haha It’s time to take a step back form being  some guys girl and focus on being Johanna. Grow a spine and break off those bad relationships. Get yourself together, and do things just for you that build your confidence and independence. You are responsible for your own sanity. If somebody is driving you crazy, then you need to get that person out of your life.
      Good article though. Way to put it all out there.

    • P.

      No, I agree. There’s almost always another side of the story: we always tell the crazy-ex (which, I believe has no gender … I know plenty of crazy ex-boyfriends) story to make us look as sane and shiny as possible, We Have Done No Wrong. And that’s rarely true. Unless you are actually dating someone with a mental illness that warps their behavior, there’s always a series of things that lead to your exes breaking point. (For example, saying they’re being crazy and jealous and reading into things when in fact you ARE sleeping with all of their friends and lying about it… /personal experience)

       But I disagree about hiding it. Clarification: you can’t let your irrational insecurities get in the way of a relationship, if you want it to last. But fuck hiding back all the things I don’t like about my personality. If it’s going to work out, you have to like them or at least be willing to put up with them. And I’d much rather you bailed after the first date than after the first year/decade/we buy our first cat/my mother calls you her son/daughter/we have all the same friends. I think there’s too much emphasis on “trapping” someone into dating you these days, and not enough on finding someone to spend your life with who you’re truly compatible with. Honestly, if you’re not, if you and your SO don’t have mutually compatible crazy (because everyone’s got some), you’re better off alone.

    • P.

      No, I agree. There’s almost always another side of the story: we always tell the crazy-ex (which, I believe has no gender … I know plenty of crazy ex-boyfriends) story to make us look as sane and shiny as possible, We Have Done No Wrong. And that’s rarely true. Unless you are actually dating someone with a mental illness that warps their behavior, there’s always a series of things that lead to your exes breaking point. (For example, saying they’re being crazy and jealous and reading into things when in fact you ARE sleeping with all of their friends and lying about it… /personal experience)

       But I disagree about hiding it. Clarification: you can’t let your irrational insecurities get in the way of a relationship, if you want it to last. But fuck hiding back all the things I don’t like about my personality. If it’s going to work out, you have to like them or at least be willing to put up with them. And I’d much rather you bailed after the first date than after the first year/decade/we buy our first cat/my mother calls you her son/daughter/we have all the same friends. I think there’s too much emphasis on “trapping” someone into dating you these days, and not enough on finding someone to spend your life with who you’re truly compatible with. Honestly, if you’re not, if you and your SO don’t have mutually compatible crazy (because everyone’s got some), you’re better off alone.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

      I actually find this endearing, you endearing.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Agreed.

    • Maxwell Smart

       If someone tells me that they have one crazy ex they can’t even talk to, but they are cool with their others, I am inclined to believe them. But when a guy tells me all his exes are crazy, I draw one of two conclusions:
      1) He enjoys mentally insane women and is bored with sanity, therefore he should not complain OR
      2) He actually is a huge douchebag and thinks a woman who won’t put up with his shit is a “bitch” and “psycho.”

      Same with women who say all their exes are assholes. Either you are perpetuating unhealthy patterns in your life by choosing d-bags, or you are way overestimating what is asshole behavior. “He didn’t come to my friend’s baby shower with me! Instead, he went to his grandma’s funeral or something.” Get some priorities, I say to such a woman.

      • Holly

        Ditto this. I used to hold the same theory– that dudes with crazy exes perpetuated crazy-making behavior.

        Then I realized that those dudes just loved drama (and dramatic chicks), and that “sane” chicks knew better to just avoid them.

    • http://www.facebook.com/anniehighleysmith Annie Highley-Smith

      “Dating someone who made me so unhappy I cried during my lunch break every day for months.”

      Been there, done that, got the goddamn t-shirt.

      • amy

        definitely been there. crying on lunch breaks. got divorced. so i do think that some people bring out the crazy. i love “my crazy” and in addition i agree with the comment #firstworldproblem. it’s as if suburbian bitches are so accustomed to being pampered that when something doesn’t fall in their lap they don’t know how to go out and get it themselves. so they sit around and complain. and rant. and do what the television and cosmopolitan tell them to do. like listen to sad songs and paint their nails. not all women are like this. and if you’re not just a little crazy, you’re boring. you have to know your crazy or the root of your recent crazy. if being in a relationship only brings out the worst in you, it’s time to find a better relationship instead of writing off all the times he disrespects you, or doesn’t call you or doesn’t want to take the time to understand you. if he doesn’t know the best about you by now he doesn’t want to or you haven’t shown him. and if the best isn’t enough to keep him then get back on the market or hide out for a bit until you’re sane enough to date.

      • amy

        definitely been there. crying on lunch breaks. got divorced. so i do think that some people bring out the crazy. i love “my crazy” and in addition i agree with the comment #firstworldproblem. it’s as if suburbian bitches are so accustomed to being pampered that when something doesn’t fall in their lap they don’t know how to go out and get it themselves. so they sit around and complain. and rant. and do what the television and cosmopolitan tell them to do. like listen to sad songs and paint their nails. not all women are like this. and if you’re not just a little crazy, you’re boring. you have to know your crazy or the root of your recent crazy. if being in a relationship only brings out the worst in you, it’s time to find a better relationship instead of writing off all the times he disrespects you, or doesn’t call you or doesn’t want to take the time to understand you. if he doesn’t know the best about you by now he doesn’t want to or you haven’t shown him. and if the best isn’t enough to keep him then get back on the market or hide out for a bit until you’re sane enough to date.

    • DERPINA

      congratulations on writing a personal anecdote story that is actually well-written and relate-able! you’re one of the very few 20somethings who can actually do it, though the thousands like to tell you they can.
      *upvotes*

    • K-Rock

      I think everyone has the capability to be crazy.  Some pairings just bring that (and only that, unfortunately) out in a person and despite how much love is there, certain behaviors just don’t change.

      I’m just as crazy as I have always been, however, I don’t feel it anymore because I’m in a situation where all the communication lines are OPEN and I am no longer stifled.  It’s the stifling of one’s spirit that’s crazy-making, imo.

    • LH

      preach.

    • Guy

      It sounds like you may have some hormonal problem and need to speak to a professional. I hope you feel better but please don’t write posts that exaggerate the negative aspects of being female and then try to justify them.

      • Girl

        Darned females with their hormonal problems and overuse of hyperbole. 

      • Guest..o

        you must not have experience with women.

    • http://www.facebook.com/krazykenzieXD Mackenzie Rose Walsh

      I’m a girl. I don’t throw up. I think I’m goddamn sexy. I don’t want to be rude but please don’t overgeneralize all girls as insecure with emotional issues. There are so many talks about it society today it’s almost like feeling good about yourself is a bad thing these days.

      • GUESTY

        saw your pic, not so “goddamn sexy” 

        • some guy

           To the person above me. You sir, are a fucking dick.

        • shiksa_goddess

          Well that’s fucking rude. 

        • http://www.facebook.com/krazykenzieXD Mackenzie Rose Walsh

          Excusee me if you knew anything about Doctor Who you would find this a very sexy picture.

        • http://www.facebook.com/krazykenzieXD Mackenzie Rose Walsh

          And you might want to look again. New picture. Different me. Oh god I am going to shut up now I am only feeding the trolls and making it worse XP

        • Dan

          Your make up. It’s horrendous. Not a troll. You’re just ugly.

        • http://www.facebook.com/krazykenzieXD Mackenzie Rose Walsh

          I was bored and experimenting. But whatever. It’s not like I need the internet’s approval. No actually I do. LOVEEE MEEEE! AAAHHHH LOVE ME YOU COMMENT TROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. YOU HAVE UTTERLY CRUSHED ME. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. AHHHHH.

          I’m going to go kill myself now and its going to be

          ALL
          YOUR

          FAULT.

        • Kaagers

          I like’d that because I read the last three words like “One More Step” from Songs for a New World.

        • Kaagers

          I like’d that because I read the last three words like “One More Step” from Songs for a New World.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=677642246 Joshua Logan

      Crazy in a relationship is trying to be the someone else you think your partner (or the whole world for that matter) desires most and then crying when it didn’t work out “why doesn’t he love me?” Love who? The person you are or the person you pretended to be?

    • dude

      the crazy ex is real, she was crazy when I met her and I was intrigued by it. didn’t try to ‘help’ her, but she affected me negatively overall. yeah, sure, being a girl is different – but there’s a fine line between hormonal and fucking crazy.

      • Guest..o

        there is no fine line.

    • Guest

      Effing hormones.

    • http://twitter.com/layzrr Matthew

      “An Article That Comes Out After Watching Scott Pilgrim in the Wrong Mood”

    • Cuban B

      Is it me or does this chic sound like a crazy Trustafarian??  I’m sorry, I agree that I may have had some doing in making a chic a little psycho, but I have dated a bunch of these girls like this, that are WAY beyond crazy and have entered Law & Order psycho.  I thank God very much I have found someone who is not like this at all.  This girl (emphasis on girl not woman) needs to grow a sack and stop being Carrie Bradshaw.

      • Guestropod

        do you ever think that you may be the common denominator in this clusterfuck of  ‘WAY beyond crazy’ girls

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=903990701 Rae Gross

      I am normally a mellow happy person, but I once got dumped at an engagement party and when I ran in to him a week later at a local bar…. well it wasn’t pretty. I was drunk and pissed, and I kind of got kicked out by the bouncers after confronting him. To this day when I tell people the story they don’t believe me, so yeah, this was a crazy inducing moment, not the reactions of a crazy person. I figure we all get to cash in our “get out of crazy” free card once.

    • Mbanoo

      are you a Scorpio? we’re fucking crazy bitches

      • Hannah

        hi maral

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