Judging Male Sexual Attractiveness Based On The Shoes They Wear

You may be saying to yourself, “Shoes? Really?” Really. I can’t explain why, but I have a thing for guys’ shoes. No, not that kind of thing. I just believe that by looking at a guy’s footwear you can tell a lot about his personality without even speaking to him. I’ve been with enough shoes to know which ones belong to chill, artistic, interesting, stylish bros and which ones belong to boring, pretentious, irritating dudes.

Men, the following is a guide for whether I would sleep with you, based on your shoes. Women, although I cannot presume you share my taste in men (and, apparently, Asics), the red flag shoes should be universal.

photo: Conan

Even if we start dating in the Fall and are deliriously happy for months and months, if we get to the summer and you show up in a pair of man flops, I’d probably call it off.

Eh. Feels like there is no way that reality TV, vodka shots, or pop music rank high enough in your interests for me to find you attractive, even if I dig the ‘humanitarian vibe’ of your shoes. That’s okay because you’d probably be too nervous to approach me in the first place.

Are you at the gym? Then I’d have to see what you changed into afterwards. Are you wearing jeans and a polo shirt? Not a chance. This is a tricky one, though, because often guys will wear acceptable clothing from the ankles up and if you can’t get a good look at their shoes, like on a bus or something, this could create a problem. This is why I always observe the face first, and the shoes second.

Are you wearing dress pants and a tie? Then I’d have to see what you changed into afterwards. Are you wearing jeans and a polo shirt? Not a chance. Same logic as sneakers applies. Only in this case instead of being some sterile, math-and-science type of personality, you’re probably an ex-frat douchebag who thinks wearing ‘dress shoes’ casually makes you look rich and classy.

Gag. Never.

You probably spray tan and shave your pubic hair. No.

I would sleep with you because you seem quirky and interesting which is sexy, but I kind of don’t think you’d want to sleep with me. Think you’d rather just bounce around super jacked on Red Bull and talking about how ‘definitely next year’ you’ll finally enroll in graphic design school.

Combat boots are tricky. I feel like these are worn by anyone from goths/ Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans to Justin Bobby of The Hills fame. I would probably sleep with you if you were somewhere in between. Like maybe you used to have a problem with pills but you would take me to a karaoke bar after a Crystal Castles concert.

Given that I don’t find the smell of dank + the sweatshirt you wear everyday and haven’t washed in three months to be sexually pleasing, I would not sleep with you.

I would sleep with you for awhile. It’d be alright, but you’ll want to stroke my hair and look into my eyes afterwards and I’ll just feel hungover and like I want Taco Bell. You will tell me you love me less than seven days after you meet me. You will update your Facebook status with Ben Harper song lyrics about how tortured you feel by your newfound love for me. You will call me a whore in an argument conducted over text message. You will write me poetry. Our relationship will end two to four weeks later in a dramatic hours-long fight during which we will attack each other for dashing our expectations for an idyllic future together, all the while both knowing but not saying that mostly we’re just kind of bored with each other.

I would sleep with you. Yes, the color does make a difference (this is important shit, you guys!)

I would sleep with you.

I would sleep with you.

photo: Michael

I guess I wouldn’t not sleep with you.

I would sleep with you.

Oh gaaaaawd would I sleep with you.

I would sleep with you.

photo: jim212jim

Sorry Dad.

photo: Gavin Rice

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