Judging Male Sexual Attractiveness Based On The Shoes They Wear

You may be saying to yourself, “Shoes? Really?” Really. I can’t explain why, but I have a thing for guys’ shoes. No, not that kind of thing. I just believe that by looking at a guy’s footwear you can tell a lot about his personality without even speaking to him. I’ve been with enough shoes to know which ones belong to chill, artistic, interesting, stylish bros and which ones belong to boring, pretentious, irritating dudes.

Men, the following is a guide for whether I would sleep with you, based on your shoes. Women, although I cannot presume you share my taste in men (and, apparently, Asics), the red flag shoes should be universal.

photo: Conan

 
Even if we start dating in the Fall and are deliriously happy for months and months, if we get to the summer and you show up in a pair of man flops, I’d probably call it off.

Eh. Feels like there is no way that reality TV, vodka shots, or pop music rank high enough in your interests for me to find you attractive, even if I dig the ‘humanitarian vibe’ of your shoes. That’s okay because you’d probably be too nervous to approach me in the first place.

Are you at the gym? Then I’d have to see what you changed into afterwards. Are you wearing jeans and a polo shirt? Not a chance. This is a tricky one, though, because often guys will wear acceptable clothing from the ankles up and if you can’t get a good look at their shoes, like on a bus or something, this could create a problem. This is why I always observe the face first, and the shoes second.

Are you wearing dress pants and a tie? Then I’d have to see what you changed into afterwards. Are you wearing jeans and a polo shirt? Not a chance. Same logic as sneakers applies. Only in this case instead of being some sterile, math-and-science type of personality, you’re probably an ex-frat douchebag who thinks wearing ‘dress shoes’ casually makes you look rich and classy.

Gag. Never.

You probably spray tan and shave your pubic hair. No.

 
I would sleep with you because you seem quirky and interesting which is sexy, but I kind of don’t think you’d want to sleep with me. Think you’d rather just bounce around super jacked on Red Bull and talking about how ‘definitely next year’ you’ll finally enroll in graphic design school.

Combat boots are tricky. I feel like these are worn by anyone from goths/ Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans to Justin Bobby of The Hills fame. I would probably sleep with you if you were somewhere in between. Like maybe you used to have a problem with pills but you would take me to a karaoke bar after a Crystal Castles concert.

 
Given that I don’t find the smell of dank + the sweatshirt you wear everyday and haven’t washed in three months to be sexually pleasing, I would not sleep with you.

I would sleep with you for awhile. It’d be alright, but you’ll want to stroke my hair and look into my eyes afterwards and I’ll just feel hungover and like I want Taco Bell. You will tell me you love me less than seven days after you meet me. You will update your Facebook status with Ben Harper song lyrics about how tortured you feel by your newfound love for me. You will call me a whore in an argument conducted over text message. You will write me poetry. Our relationship will end two to four weeks later in a dramatic hours-long fight during which we will attack each other for dashing our expectations for an idyllic future together, all the while both knowing but not saying that mostly we’re just kind of bored with each other.

I would sleep with you. Yes, the color does make a difference (this is important shit, you guys!)

I would sleep with you.

 
I would sleep with you.

photo: Michael

 
I guess I wouldn’t not sleep with you.

 
I would sleep with you.

Oh gaaaaawd would I sleep with you.

I would sleep with you.

photo: jim212jim

 
Sorry Dad.

photo: Gavin Rice

 
You get the picture. TC mark

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Judging Male Sexual Attractiveness Based On The Shoes They Wear is cataloged in ,
  • http://twitter.com/brandollars Brandon Silverman

    At least the Adidas got “I will sleep with you.” Can’t go wrong with Adidas, guys.

    • http://twitter.com/brandollars Brandon Silverman

      and I gotta say, I understand the sandals if we’re meeting for the first time or something, or if worn out in inappropriate places, but hey, our feet get hot too alright? We can wear some damn sandals in the summer. Especially if we’re in LA. I don’t want my feet to melt off.

      • Greg

        only ganstaz/wankstas where adidas in boston

      • Pfft

        no, you can’t. mens feet are revolting and they should hide their hairy shame. Also, wear fucking pants please. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    you have weird taste in shoes

  • http://twitter.com/benhRjr ben Raifsnider, jr.

    this makes me feel good about my shoe collection. except, i don’t want to sleep with girls. (that was probably made clear by the phrase “shoe collection”)

  • Anonymous

    This was so much fun to read. 
    “Gag.Never.” 
     

    hahaha

  • Anonymous

    can i send in pics of my shoes for independent evaluation?

    • http://philolzophy.tumblr.com/ phiLOLZophy

      Yes. philosophy [at] gmail [dot] com. You better hope I have a vaguely sexual moment when I open the attachments.

  • Anonymous

    I agree 100% with all of this. 

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

      So do I.   I guess that makes me a “picky bitch” too.  It’s like this, I put a bit of effort into my appearance.  And guys won’t date you if they find you unattractive (which extends to not just personality but general appearance and the clothes I wrap myself in) . . . so it’s a two way street, friends. 

  • Dd

    Chilllllldd, you don’t know what chu talkin’ bout!

  • DARKSTAR

    You’d sleep with me, you’d sleep with me, you wouldn’t not sleep with me.

  • Thomas

    I never understood why women think it’s gross when men wear flip-flops.

    • brn

      I know right

    • Guest

      It just looks bad… IMO.

    • Guest

      It just looks bad… IMO.

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

      It looks sloppy.

    • http://twitter.com/bethanie_m Bethanie Marshall

      Men who take care of their feet are one thing, if they aren’t groomed, it’s bad. Also, if they wear them out to the bar on a Friday or Saturday night, no. Show some respect to the ladies who put in 2 hours of maintenance before coming out and wear real shoes. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/BlairyHS Blair Stenvick

    I feel ya on the no workout shoes with jeans/no dress shoes with jeans rules, but you’d seriously take someone in NEW BALANCES over someone in Toms??

    • http://offthemall.org/ Bryant Turnage

      TOMS are just ugly, ugly shoes. I wouldn’t wear them even if it meant I could sleep with Eva Green. Okay, MAYBE for Eva Green. Maybe.

      Also, Mycoskie’s decision to speak at a Focus on the Family event makes me disinclined to give him a single penny of my money. Such a shame, that.

  • Grant Sorenson

    Wow, lots of effort put into this post. Copy-paste “I’d sleep with you” ten times. Great.

    • Asdf

      Gag. Never.

  • Grant Sorenson

    Wow, lots of effort put into this post. Copy-paste “I’d sleep with you” ten times. Great.

  • Tilde

    This is the most important and relevant article on all of Thought Catalog.

    • m bell

      ummm ya. agreed.

  • http://stephentullydierks.blogspot.com stephen

    haha, the whole time i was reading this i was like wait this is EXACTLY like that one post at… then saw becky lang’s tweet haha

    • http://philolzophy.tumblr.com/ phiLOLZophy

      Whoops replied as a new thread. I assume you saw it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

    Wait, what am I supposed to wear to the beach?

  • http://twitter.com/aliasvaughn Ale

    No sorry men CANNOT wear sandals under ANY circumstances. Not in LA, not anywhere. Sandals are for women. Hairy men feet in sandals look horrid no matter what. Just like men always wear pants in the winter and are never cold, while we MUST wear skirts because of style in certain occasions AND we freeze, men are NOT allowed sandals to go around in the summer. Never, at all. Only exception is AT the beach. Your feet won’t melt if you wear boating shoes or appropriate light summer shoes (look at the Sebago or Timberland brands) with the appropriate light cotton feet cover ups (INSIDE shoe socks, they’re very light and they don’t show outside, you look like you’re not wearing any socks, socks look TERRIBLE in the summer unless you’re wearing suit shoes).

    • Guesty

      What are you talking about?  

      • Guest

        Seriously, this. When did this become a thing where everybody denies men the right to wear fucking sandals? I mean.. they’re sandals. I don’t see anything inherently “female” in an exposed foot or a desire to wear something cool (as in temperature) that you can easily slip on.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000132443742 Eric Bazilio

      It has being a while since it’s ok for women to wear pants, you know.

      Sorry, probably-north-american-person, for living in a country wear it’s fine to wear sandals and flip-flops. I will shed a single tear for you.

    • LK

      I know what you are talking about!! Yes women can wear pants, but sometimes their is a necessity to wear a skirt/dress given the occasion.

    • http://offthemall.org/ Bryant Turnage

      Bullshit. Flip-flops should be limited to the beach and the pool, but there are summer activities where a clean, quality pair of sandals are perfectly acceptable on a man. A summer barbecue, for example. Yes, the guy has to actually groom his feet and even consider (gasp!) a pedicure, but ruling out an entire class of shoe across the board? No way.

  • http://www.realjohnson.com The Real Johnson

    Given that such a broad cross-section of men might wear any one of the pairs of shoes you’ve chosen, ultimately this post just shows that you’re easy. 
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that. 
    As for those who took offense to sandals: No. Unless you are poolside at a resort; no. 

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    sweet. umbros? they worked for me. what abt slip-on checkered vans? Yes, I may smell like dank, but I shower and wash my clothes regularly. Generally don’t wear a hoody.

  • VANS

    what about vans!? hands down the hottest shoes for a guy to wear. word

  • VANS

    what about vans!? hands down the hottest shoes for a guy to wear. word

  • http://philolzophy.tumblr.com/ phiLOLZophy

    ;)

    Don’t worry, you pass with flying colors, Stephen.

  • Guest

    haha this is sooo true! vans hands down sexiest shoe on a guy…followed by dress shoes IN a suit, and then i guess sperrys. NEVER EVER EVER wear sandals, esp those weird reef ones. i hate sandals on a guy something about it gives me the creeps. i was laughing that whole article sooo true…although i kinda think toms are sexy

  • Anonymous

    Also–I thought I was the only girl who had a strict no-flip-flops policy. I’m affirmed. 

  • Stephen Burke

    Hmm how do you feel about Sperry’s? 

    • coffeeandinternets

      Depends — how big is your yacht (not a euphemism) (maybe a euphemism)?

      • Asdf

        Too big for your harbour?

      • Asdf

        Too big for your harbour?

      • coffeeandinternets

        Listen–

        I can put the ‘ho’ and Ahoy! and the shiver in your timbers

        Unless you’re wearing Sketchers.

      • Asdf

        Ah, but would you walk my plank? I got a peg leg here just for you. I usually adorn it with Trojan brand slip-ons, but, hey, whatever floats your boat.

  • http://twitter.com/aliasvaughn Ale

    I’m well aware we can wear pants. I said that in some occasions we MUST wear skirts because of style. Guess the whole “style” point went missing. I wouldn’t go to a cocktail party wearing pants, ever. And those happen in the winter too. In some occasions skirts or dresses are a requirement. It’s not fine to wear sandals in north america either, they look horrible worldwide, not just in Europe. In fact I have a lot of North American male friends who perfectly understand that men should never wear sandals, no matter what, unless they’re poolside or at the beach.

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