How To Be A Community College Student

Feel bad about yourself. Feel like whatever you did, you did it wrong. Feel like whatever you do or are currently doing, you are doing it wrong. Since most of your friends are probably attending what they refer to as “real colleges,” you are left to hang out with high-school kids and people you only vaguely know but now have an unbreakable bond of self pity and confusion with, because they too attend community college. It is still September and the weather is still nice. Sit in playgrounds at night with your high school friends and listen to them complain about girls and the lack thereof. They will also pity themselves for still being in high school. Try to score some compliment or emotional reassurance at this point by pointing out how fucked you are. Say “What the fuck am I doing? I’m in fucking community college.” They will pounce on this chance and reassure you how much better you are than them.

Be in the library at school waiting to go to class. Feel gassy and greasy. Worry about your complexion. Look around at the people in the library and become incredibly judgmental. Keep thinking to yourself “Am I that ugly?” Never find the answer out. Sit on Facebook and talk to your friends who are off at school. Ask them how they are. When they complain about how many bros they have to deal with respond with, “hahaha.” When they brag about how often they sleep in past class respond with, “hahaha.” When they ask what you spend your time doing send them a link to something unrelated. Spend a lot of your time looking at nothing on the Internet. Spend some time looking at your blog. Spend more time looking at other people’s blogs. Think about how unfair the world is. Think about how you are not famous. Remember that you are not good. Remember that those who are not good do not deserve to become famous. Think “I wouldn’t mind being Snooki.” Feel very bad about that thought. Try to not to focus when someone across the table from you is talking about ‘Gucci Sneakers’ and ‘staying fresh’. When you notice him looking at you look away. Pretend like you didn’t hear him call you Peter Parker. Realize you’re a loser. It’s alright. Sometimes stuff is alright.

Become obsessed with using Google to search for silly pictures. Spend twenty minutes looking at pictures of Rick Ross on Google. Spend twenty minutes looking at pictures of Kanye West on Google. Post some of these pictures to your blog and wait for people to respond. It’s alright when nobody responds. Don’t take it too hard. Just sit in your computer chair with headphones on. Listen to Flipper and Defiance Ohio and Rick Ross and Andrew Jackson Jihad and Kanye West. Do this over and over again. Never get tired of it. Feel secure. Feel safe. Feel content.

Get assigned a three-page paper in English class and feel pressure behind your eyes. Sit at home with nothing to do. If someone calls you to do something say you have homework. Look at your laptop. Turn on MTV Jams. Imagine you are living a life better than the one you actually are living. Think about it hard. It seems just as stressful. Stay up later than you should have and write a paper you know is awful. Hand in the paper and get a B. Be in your algebra class and think about how you took it, that math class, in eighth grade. Look around you. Notice that almost all of your fellow students are older than you. Most seem to be nurses. Some took six year breaks from high school and are just now coming back to school. One guy is fresh out of the Army. Notice that the kids your age never come to class. Get worried about something. Don’t ever find out what you’re worried about. Get an A in the class. Do well in school, but feel bad about it. Be confused and scared and alone. Feel angry at whatever is making you come to school. Complain to your dad till he mentions looking for work. Go back to your room. Lay in your bed. Turn on MTV Jams.

Christmas break comes. You can kiss your girlfriend. You can get drunk with your friends. You get things from your family and they like the burned CD’s you gave them. Smile a whole lot more. Think about the semester that just passed. Realize that your feelings of worthlessness, your feelings of confusion or of being lost, your lack of focus, your lack of feelings, etc. were all kind of justified in a self-serving way but ultimately not that big of a deal. Think about how much more comfortable your bed is than the bed your girlfriend has in college. Think about how good your mom’s cooking is. Think about standing outside of local diners with new friends smoking cigarettes and laughing. These are all good things. They are all satisfying. Think about how this is your life. Deal with that. Feel confident. Feel content. Hug your friends more. Dream big. Feel good till the spring semester starts.