Staying over at my boyfriend’s apartment is like urban camping.
In other words, only the bare necessities are readily available, but there is running water. Yay? And then I remembered that prior to launching our current relationship, he’d been a bachelor for a long (long) time. And booty calls don’t usually help you decorate.
I’m going to go out on a generalization limb and say that most straight men are not naturally gifted interior decorators.
But let’s call a spade a spade. Most male-owned apartments you walk into that are adorable and have a full utensil drawer + a duvet have probably not been decorated alone. And to that end, you can almost surefire determine if a man is really single—or been a bachelor for longer than he may openly admit—purely based on the interior appearance of his home. If “OMG THIS IS SO COZY” is the first thing that comes to mind, check his speed dial for his girlfriend’s number and applaud her fine work.
1. All artwork is hung randomly and (far) above average line of sight.
It draws the eyes up, no?
2. There are posters on the wall, and they’re framed.
Because nothing says, “I’m a grown-up” like framing your motivational drinking poster from your dorm (purchased 10 years ago).
3. The whole apartment is in varying shades of brown.
It matches everything, duh.
4. Appliances are left over from old roommates and ex-girlfriends.
That Hello Kitty toaster? He didn’t pick that out at Target.
5. There is one pillow. One blanket. Two chairs.
This. Is. Sparta.
6. And if there is anything non-utilitarian, it’s sports-team-themed.
Who doesn’t love a good Seahawks throw pillow?
7. The kitchen cabinets are for storing tools and a toolbox.
Um, what else would you put there? Certainly not a measuring cup.
8. Kitchen utensils consist of a couple of bowls, a handful of forks and spoons, one spatula, and approximately 25 knives.
Any others I missed? Let’s hear ’em!