I once said I was sorry I left, sorry I was leaving and couldn’t wait for some things in my life to fall into place; that I felt I needed fresh air and a change of pace and scenery for other things to grow – things that I couldn’t see thriving in the storm of a life I’ve since lived and led when I was there; a life happily lost in the comforts of home; a life happily unyielding to change it knows it has long needed to get things right again,;a life that seemed to get smaller and smaller each day with the world inevitably closing in and leaving no room for new things to emerge.
I said I was sorry, because I finally came to terms with the fact that I was searching and turning myself over and inside out in search of a kind of happy I couldn’t find in me at that moment; or at least I was yearning for peace and meaning my storm of a life back there could no longer give me.
There were parts of me I felt I had to find – or better, grow again someplace else they are untainted and undefined by the troubles of the old days. There are things I needed to do for myself, and there are places I’ve been hoping to see and find in them all the parts of me I lost growing up – the childlike wonder and the awe in my eyes I used to show up with every day wherever I was needed, wherever I set my sights for a new adventure to unfold.
I didn’t have that anymore, that sense of wonder and confidence in knowing there are always brighter and better things in store, that there are always adventures to go on. I had slowly lost my sense of adventure, slowly faded behind shadows of doubt, of unnerving familiarity, of unmistakable routine. I didn’t know what it meant anymore to accidentally get lost and to embrace every surprise it brought; getting lost has since become equal to scrambling up for air, forgetting how to swim with the unknown, and instead merely fading away in it.
But now, I’m finding my way around places I’ve only dreamed of seeing in the past, back when I had vivid dreams and vibrant hopes for coloring the skies I wanted to see.
Now, each time I step out holds a possibility of getting lost, having to find my way around, and through it all, laughing out loud and shaking my head with my shoulders rising and falling in genuine, honest-to-goodness mirth I never knew I was capable of patting myself on the back with. Now, I see beauty in everyone around me the way we should, and I raise my eyes to skyscrapers; I look towards the sky and I like the shades of the horizon I see.
Every time I open and close my eyes, I feel that I wake up in cities made for dreaming, and I rest in places that will catch me as I spiral, falling. I feel that I’m finally living the life I’ve always wanted to live in all these new, hopeful places that make me feel safe to hope and paint the stars in the sky with the dreams I’ve long since hidden from everyone who knew the old life I lived.
I feel that I’m finally in a place I can dream, I can hope, and I can learn to slowly forgive myself for all the past faults I thought slowed me down, or led me through paths I wasn’t capable of imagining for myself. I feel that I can finally forgive myself, and others, and let go of all the hurt that has since haunted me and the things I used to hope for.
I feel that I can finally let go of all the fears and doubts that used to weigh me down, further, and drag me to corners where I felt nothing but ordinary and just watched time go by, without really living in it. I feel that I am finally in a place worth becoming all the people I hoped to be at five years old, before meeting cynicism and doubt and worry.
I feel that I am finally in a place big enough for me to discover, to love, and to find all the parts of myself I am a tiny bit worried no longer fit or recognize this broken, but now searching person I’ve become; or better, I feel that I am finally in a place I can make room for new and better parts of myself to grow and thrive in, now stronger, unbroken and unrelenting through greater storms that can be my life, again.
Ever since I left, I’ve been waking up to clearer days and less and less voices in my head that make me second guess myself and the choices I make every step of the way. I’ve been waking up in all these new places made for dreaming, and I am slowly learning to navigate a life with less doubt, less worry, and more forgiveness for the past versions of myself that doubted I could ever go off to find a kind of batshit crazy happy I will die trying to protect.
I am slowly learning, slowly forgiving, slowly letting go, slowly moving on to love so I am no longer that girl who could only give an almost, but a real good shot of a chance at finally being unafraid to fall – because for the first time in a really long while, I am finally, slowly seeing a shot at peace and happiness, again.