Sometimes love stinks. Like dog poop, warm dog poop that you have to pick up with a plastic bag as you walk your lover’s dog — which is wearing a hot pink sweater — on a bustling city street. But there’s nothing you can do other than plug your nose and shed a layer of your dignity if you’re truly crushin’. This is typical life when you’re dating a dog lover.
If the object of your desire has a pack of pooches, there are a few things you need to know before you consider committing to a relationship:
- Dogs are people. Do not even try to argue with this statement. Once you accept this, your love life will be much easier.
- A person’s dog is their child. They may have fur and four legs, but dogs are members of the family and should be treated as one.
- Like children, dogs have birthday parties and dress up for Halloween. Just search “dog birthday party” on Etsy and pray that your significant other won’t make you pose for photos with her tutu-wearing bulldog.
- OK, dogs might dress up more often than just on Halloween. Spoiled canines probably have more sweaters than you. And they will wear them outside during walks, so you must not be easily embarrassed.
- You’re the third wheel. Dogs demand love and attention and we’re going to give it to them whenever they ask for it.
- We talk to our dogs. Remember, they are people with four legs and fur.
- You’ll never be greeted first. Unless you run to the front door wagging your tail, the dog is going to get the first hug and kiss when its owner arrives home.
- You’ll learn the true meaning of the term “fur coat.” Most dogs shed, so you better get used to being covered in fur. Otherwise, invest in lint rollers and say goodbye to your favorite black clothes. Unless, of course, your lover has a black dog. In that case, we hope you’re not too attached to your white bedspread.
- Sleeping is all about spooning. But you won’t be cuddling up close with your partner at night. It’ll be her 50-pound fur-child that prefers to sleep under the sheets and in between you. If you find this uncomfortable, you’ll be the one kicked to the couch.
- Poop happens. And you’ll have to pick it up in public without complaining. We take our dogs with us everywhere that allows them. If dogs aren’t allowed, we’ll just hide our fur baby in our purse (if they fit!)
- Spontaneous road trips must be planned. Day trips to the beach and vacations abroad are lot less exciting when you have to hire a dog sitter. Not just anyone will do, either. Dog parents only entrust their fur-children with select family members and friends, so you better hope they are available.
- The term “doggy bag” at restaurants was coined so we can take our leftovers home for our pets. You didn’t think you were going to finish your dish the next day for lunch, did you?
- Dogs are like potato chips. You can’t have just one. Expect to get emails with the subject lines “OMG we need to adopt this dog!” on a daily basis. You’ll also be dragged to dog adoption events and be made to feel guilty each time you say we can’t get another pet.
- Shelter dogs require patience. Shelter dogs may be recovering from mistreatment or enlisted in training programs, so they need extra TLC. If you can’t handle the special needs of our fur-child, then you’ll be the one looking for a new home.
- You can’t fake it. If you’re not a dog lover, we’ll figure it out. Dogs are great judges of character and can sense if a person likes them or not. If our dog doesn’t approve of you- adiós!